Grace, too

Goodbye from here...

2008-02-13T01:53:00.004-05:00

It has been a sleepy few days, i can't seem to get enough sleep. I am done my antibiotics and see my doctor again tomorrow. I have a terrible headache right now...it's been with me most of the day.

Right now we are in the midst of another snow storm and i'm loving it. It has been going on for hours now, since my sister got home from work at 5pm....i'm not sure how much snow we are expecting, tons i hope.

My mother was in the emergency room on the weekend. Selfishly i'd hoped for a break and thought they'd keep her in a day or two but they sent her home the same day. She has a kidney infection so they started her on a course of antibiotics. She seems in better spirits so far, not as needy and panicky, i hope it lasts.

I've set up my new blog. I decided to change the address but keep the same name. The name has meaning to me as does the new address(which i just noticed i misspelled, grrrr...should have been determination) You can find the reincarnation of Grace, too there. I will post there just as soon as i've done posting this. I will be working on it over the new few days or so, getting all of your blogs added to my list. If i miss your blog, please let me know.

Looking forward to seeing you there....so this is my last post here, k.

So tired

2008-02-07T19:37:00.000-05:00

Thank you for your words of wisdom regarding praying, i truly appreciate it.

I did not go to the emergency room...instead i was finally able to sleep. I think in a way i was afraid to go to sleep at first, afraid i'd not wake up. I just had an unsettled feeling about it. I get that feeling sometimes when what i really want is peace in my heart.

I slept all day, mother co-operated and it was almost 7pm before i got out of bed and made myself get dressed. The pain is still with me but it is less intense. The pharmacy is to deliver my medications today (but they haven't come as yet) and so i'll have more pain meds.

The bad thing about sleeping all that time was that i've not spent much time with Tim...i hope to make up for that tonight. Speaking of tonight, it's a busy viewing night. Survivor starts again...thank goodness. I hope it will be good with some familiar faces on this time but maybe not, i am not looking forward to 'Johnny Fairplay' or whatever his name is, i didn't like him the first time he was on and i doubt i'll like him this time around.

I am not cooking dinner tonight, instead we have ordered out. We're having fish and chips. Not exactly healthy but i'm all in favour of not having to cook tonight.

I think i am going to move my blog. I don't know exactly how to go about doing it but i hope if i do you'll all follow me...i will keep you informed...i just want to revamp my blog and of course the problem of my missing profile is gnawing away at me, since i have no idea where it went or why and i can't seem to get it back.

If i can i'll work on it tonight. Must go watch Survivor now. Enjoy your evening.

Fear

2008-02-07T05:15:00.000-05:00

I am in a great deal of pain. I am scared to go to sleep yet i am so very tired.

I didn't go to my appointment yesterday. I was too tired, too weary, in so much pain and i didn't want to spend any of my birthday in a doctors waiting room.

Instead i spent time with my mother. She is not my birth mother but that is a whole other story...but this woman that i know as my mother is the only mother i've known. We spent the day together, me wishing i was with Tim and her whining and complaining about every little thing. I had no patience for it but i kept it to myself...i smiled to myself and told myself to let it go. I didn't need the negativity.

The wonderful part of today was that it snowed, a great big old snowstorm snow. God's gift to me, i know. I wish i'd been able to get out in it and enjoy it.

My sister brought home a cake. It was vanilla and it was so yummy. I had a nice big piece, it made me sleepy. I am diabetic, i shouldn't be eating such things...but it was my birthday and i wanted a treat.

So i sit here now, writing to you...missing Tim. We were meant to be together at this time but unfortunately our plans changed. We will see each other just as soon as possible. I am sad about it but it couldn't be helped.

Tim and i want to share a spiritual side of our relationship. Neither of us has much 'experience' and so i am wondering...how do you learn to pray. What do you say, what don't you say....what words do you use....do you just speak from the heart. I've heard people pray and it seems it is natural to them. I feel awkward, i think Tim does too...yet we try. If anyone has any advice, would you please email me, i would truly appreciate it.

I might go to the emergency room to be seen. My doctor suggested it since i didn't get in to see him and since my pain is worse right now....but i am scared. I always have to go alone and i am terrified of dying in the hospital, alone.

I am full of fear right now, God help me. God give me strength. God please watch over Tim.

I have to go to bed now. I will visit you all soon.

My birthday...

2008-02-06T15:57:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday to me. On this day i am so grateful to be alive and to have survived another year. I am also so happy and very grateful that Tim has come into my life. We share a love i never thought was possible and when i think of a soul mate i am certain he is mine.

This afternoon flowers arrived. White roses, a dozen...so beautiful. Of course they were from Tim...he is so thoughtful and it impresses me that he remembers my love of white roses. With the flowers a bright, shiny balloon with 'Happy Birthday' on it. I will save it and the roses. Memories for years to come...the years i hope i have with him.

Thank you all for your birthday wishes, your kind words and well wishes mean a great deal to me. As always, thank you for visiting my humble blog, i know it's not much but it's mine and i enjoy the time i can spend writing here. I also enjoy your blogs so will be heading there shortly...i am so glad i found all of you..or you found me.

Ouch!

2008-02-05T11:35:00.001-05:00

I had a rough weekend. I was in a great deal of pain, was very weak and spent most of the weekend in bed which meant not much time with Tim. I was lonely for him but it couldn't be helped. I am feeling better now but i have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow for a bit of a check up. They'll do some bloodwork while i am there, see how things are doing i expect.

Right now there is a piece of machinery outside my bedroom window removing snow. It is loud and hurting my head...and i wish they'd leave the snow alone...but i know, living in the downtown core that the snow must be removed...it's just hurting my head. I need to take some more pain medication but i don't want to sleep today away again.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I am happy i have lived another year, i hope to live another and another and another.

Yay...it's snowing

2008-02-01T15:31:00.000-05:00

We are in the middle of a glorious snow storm. Not sure how much snow we are expecting but tons i hope. I want to get out and go for a walk but i can't convince my sister to come with me and it's really best i not go alone.

Sister is home early from work. They closed the office early due to the weather. Schools and other things have been canceled today too.

I have a terrible headache and i'm in quite a bit of pain today but i'm trying to not focus on that...trying to keep my mind on other things. I am waiting for Tim to wake up to play some online games with him, that is always enjoyable as we always talk voice when we play. We used to play on Pogo but we found another great site and we've been playing there. We play chess (he always wins)....rummy (he usually wins)....and we just started playing pool and he usually wins at that too. He is so good but i still enjoy playing with him.

Well its time to bathe mother so off i go...time for some more pain medication and maybe bathing her will take my mind off of things for a little while..at least until Tim gets up.

News

2008-01-31T06:58:00.001-05:00

I should have written sooner but a lot has been happening here. Suffice it to say my mother is driving me insane. I will blog more about it later...for now there is a scheduled outage happening soon and so i feel pressed for time.

Monday i found out my tumour has grown and also that my white cell count is way high and so i am on antibiotics. Not good. I am supposed to avoid stress (here...how?) and get plenty of rest. So i will do my best while coping with my mother.

Yesterday a social worker was supposed to come to the house to talk to mother about going into a nursing home. She cancelled because the weather here was so bad. I hope she can come soon.

Off to read your blogs before the outage.

One other thing...

2008-01-27T00:23:00.000-05:00

Oh...and i forgot to add why i am probably a bit grumpy today, besides the obvious...it is that time of the month. Oh joy! No really...oh joy! Honest, i am happy about it, trust me!

Frustration

2008-01-27T00:12:00.000-05:00

So...i dragged myself out of bed today, i had laundry to do. It was waiting for me...i had to sort it and load it into the cart and wheel it downstairs...weeeeeeee. I really wasn't in the mood to do laundry, i was tired and feeling a bit grumpy (i found out later in the day why) and i just wanted my bed.

Sister was in the middle of her cleaning. I had a sink full of dishes waiting for me and then i needed to have a quick shower before heading downstairs. Brrr, i did not want to...but i did and felt better for it...then grabbed my cart full of five loads of laundry and headed out the door.

There are only four washers and four dryers here in our laundry room. Thankfully it wasn't being used so i had the room to myself. Once i got it all going i headed back upstairs. I am not one of those people who stays in the laundry room while the stuff is being laundered...i've never had anything stolen, there seem to be decent people in here (oh but the laundry room has been broken in to and money stolen from the machines though) but as far as i know, no clothing has ever been stolen.

While doing laundry, i met up with Tim and played some rummy. We didn't have much time together because i was up and down, switching loads into dryers, etc...but at least i got to be with him for a little while. I've really been missing him...i seem to sleep quite a lot and so the time we do spend together has lessened. I don't know what i'll do when he goes back to work and we can't work around my naps and constant need for sleep...but we will i'm sure.

Eventually i got the laundry done. It was almost 5pm i think...and i played with Tim for a w hile longer and then i was tired. I knew i had to go for groceries (it had already been decided) but when had not been. I thought i'd go for a nap, just a short one...45 mins to an hour and then head to the grocery store. I think i fell asleep quickly but the time passed all too quickly and i was awoken by the sound of voices...my mother and sister making a list for me. As they worked on the list i got myself changed and ready to go...i felt like a walking zombie, i was so tired but i had to go...the store would be closing at 8pm.

With list in hand, i called a taxi and headed out the door. I was really dragging myself...i did not want to go but i really had to. If i'd left it to Sunday morning there would be too much rushing around doing the shopping then getting things ready for dinner. We'd decided i'd make two roasting chickens for Sunday dinner...with turnip and sweet potatoes...mashed potatoes and gravy, with stuffing. Not homemade this time...this time i'll be using Stove Top.

I tried not to spend too much money, at mother's request (since she was paying) but it's hard when you are feeding four and we needed quite a bit, especially paper goods, which i usually buy at Walmart where it is much cheaper. I ended up spending close to $300. Not so bad but i had hoped to spend less.

Of course i forgot our cloth bags. I am so disappointed in myself, i never remember them. The cashiers keep suggesting to me that i leave them in my car but i have to remind them i no longer can drive (because of seizures) and so remembering is a chore (darn tumour!!!) that is tough for me.

Got all of the stuff bought and paid for..loaded into the cart and outside in the snow and cold to wait for the taxi i'd called. It was lovely and wintery out and i remembered just how much i love this time of year. I saw lots of couples in and out of the store, doing their shopping together and i dreamt of a day when Tim and i will be able to do that too...and then my taxi pulled up.

Thankfully i had a nice driver who offered to load the groceries into his trunk...i always appreciate that because it takes a lot out of me, lifting...but i still helped. I was thankful to get into the back...seated and warm...on my way home. I always sort of dread the part where i get home in the taxi and have to hope there is a cart in the garbage room, waiting and available for me to use to get all of the groceries up to our apartment. There has always been one (the building has three but sometimes people don't return them right away) so far but i have anxiety about 'what if'.

We pulled up to the building and i ran in to get the cart. Whew, it was there....i wheeled it outside and the driver loaded it up for me. I tipped him well...as i always do when they are so kind and helpful...and was on my way back upstairs in no time.

The elevator seemed to take forever to come...it's a slow one and when you're tired...that much slower. I arrived to the apartment door..dug my key out of my coat pocket and let myself in. There, laying on the sofa was my nephew Michael. I was really hoping he'd help me. The last few times he laid there and didn't help...i was hoping this time would be different.... i began to bring the bags in...one...two...three at a time, as much as i could carry. The door is a bit of a pain because it has a door closer on it for fire safety purposes...so it closes right behind you...grrr, as i said, a pain. I heard my sister, down the hall, curse at me because the door was driving her crazy but i couldn't help it, i only have two hands and i was in and out and in and out....$300 worth of groceries is a lot of groceries to lug in, one or two bags at a time. I was crying as i neared the end of it...i was just weary and upset with myself for not asking my nephew for help. How can he be so lazy, so rude...to just lay there. He is 35...a grown man, not some child...he should know better...but he doesn't. He doesn't help his mother with anything, he certainly doesn't help his 74 year old grandmother so he isn't about to help me. I know this...yet it still bothers me, does the man have no conscience. He doesn't do the garbage, i do...he doesn't clean, his mother or i do...he doesn't do dishes, myself or my sister do...he doesn't do laundry, i do it...i mean, he doesn't have to lift a finger....everything is done for him. What a life! Can you tell i was upset. I am just so tired of it..i really am. Tim and i have talks about this and he thinks i should talk to my sister and see about him starting to pull his own weight around here. I know i am tired of him bringing his dishes in for me to wash...or me doing his laundry...delivered right to him, folded etc. Grrrrr...but so far i haven't talked to my sister. I don't exactly know what to say or how to put it. I think she feels he is just a burden on her (that is a whole other story, believe me but not one for me to tell) but in truth, he is a burden on all of us here.

Something's got to give.

No news

2008-01-25T19:43:00.000-05:00

I didn't end up seeing my oncologist after all. I called his office first thing to make sure it was still okay for me to go in...and his receptionist informed me he'd been called away for an emergency, family related and so wouldn't be seeing patients today.

As a result i'm feeling really down and worried...it will have to wait until Monday. I spent most of the day in bed. It has not been a good day with mother either....but that's a whole other (familiar) story.

... the wee hours

2008-01-25T03:23:00.000-05:00

Today i have to go see my oncologist and i am so nervous and scared. I know i shouldn't be...i've already heard the worst, that i only have six months...but i'm still here, alive and kicking and ready to fight. I still just feel so nervous...what is up that he wants to see me so badly. I will have to wait and see.

Tim has just gone to bed and i said i'd go too after i blogged but i know i won't really be able to sleep. I've had a bad headache for a few days now that i feel certain is stress related because my neck and shoulders are very tight and tense too. No amount of pain medication or muscle relaxers are helping, sigh.

Had a moderate day with mother. She wasn't overly demanding today, which was nice for a change. This afternoon i needed to take a nap and thankfully mother was tired too...so with the tv off and the lights too, we each slept. I think i've told you how much i enjoy my naps...well this one wasn't the greatest...my mind racing, i couldn't really fall into a deep sleep. When i finally did get up i felt worse.

I had made a pasta sauce with meatballs for dinner. Okay so i cheated and used store-bought frozen meatballs...but it turned out they were quite good. Anyway, when i woke up my sister had come home from work and cooked the cutlets, put them in a baking sheet in the oven with sauce and mozzarella cheese on them. The place smelled yummy and i was hungry.

I met Tim online for a couple of games of rummy. I haven't been very talkative lately....thankfully Tim is so loving and patient with me. I am sure i am driving him crazy sometimes but he says not, he loves me, bless him. After we played a couple of games i went offline and went to the kitchen, took the cutlets out of the oven (ooops, i had forgotten about them, they weren't burnt but almost were...i should have been paying more attention) and put the water on for the pasta. Dinner was yummy, most of it enjoyed it. Mother felt it was too rich for her but she managed to eat a little, thank goodness. When i started typing this she was waiting for me to finish so that i could make her a sandwich...but now she's fallen asleep but she probably won't sleep for long. Speaking of sleep...i did promise Tim i would try to sleep..so off i go...wish me luck for tomorrow ...well today.

Enjoy your day....

A busy few days

2008-01-24T12:34:00.000-05:00

The wee hours of the morning and i am still awake. Tim has just gone to bed after spending most of the wee hours together, playing some rummy online. We chat voice as we play and we enjoy the time together...except for my mothers intrusions. I am getting to the point where i really resent them.

She calls my name and repeatedly calls my name over and over again until i respond. Usually when i don't respond right away, it's because i am talking to Tim and i'm in the middle of something and i don't want to lose my train of thought (which, with this diseased brain of mine, is so easily done) so i try to wait until i am done saying what i'm saying. She doesn't seem to understand that and she becomes more agitated. I do try to answer straight away though but she doesn't always hear me...which is maddening...i really wish she'd go have her hearing checked and get a hearing aid, which she clearly needs but i cannot force her to go.

So it's been a rough week up till now. Ever since last weeks anxiety attack while i was out grocery shopping, she seems on edge and isn't afraid to take it out on me. She doesn't do this to my sister because my sister wouldn't take her crap. I need to take a page from her book but i am just not that way.

The dynamics between my mother and i are strained right now, to say the least. They always have been, all of my life...but they are getting worse and i am struggling to keep some patience when dealing with her. She is not an easy person to get along with. She is negative and overbearing and thinks the worst of everyone, especially me. I am at my wits end right now...i can't even properaly gather my thoughts on the subject....i feel so stressed out.

So the last few days have been rife with anxiety. My mother called a local community outreach program, crying and 'carrying on' about how she needed to talk to someone. The woman she found on the other end of the line was kind and listened (as did i...i'd been in bed trying to sleep) as my mother told her story. She said she was panicky and scared and didn't know what to do. She had an assortment of maladies that she read off to the woman, upset stomach, headache and numb head...and various other things. The woman, apparently, was trying to calm her down and gave her a number to call, someone else to talk to. Mother called them straight away. Apparently it was a crisis line...she told of her problems and they asked to speak to me. They suggested i take her to our family doctor asap. I told them i'd tried but she frequently cancels appointments and is often too weak and frail to get out of the house but i promised i would try. I put mother back on the phone and she spoke a while longer...until the woman convinced my mother to have a team sent out to talk to her the next day. The woman, very friendly and helpful, asked to speak to me again and informed me that she was sending out people to do a mental assessment of my mother. Oooh. I knew that wouldn't go over very well with mother but i had to tell her. I hung up the phone and told her. As expected she ranted and raved and cried and carried on. I said what harm would there be in having them come to talk to her. I got her calmed down and she finally saw the sense in at least talking to them. At that point i was desperate and was really hoping for some help...a ray of help at least.

The next day they came. A lady and a man. They were both very nice. I attended the meeting and the woman did most of the talking, each of them taking notes as mother spoke. They inquired as to what had my mother so upset. She tried to explain but she was all over the place. They tried to get her to focus on the questions but she did ramble on. Then she asked a bunch of what my mother deemed as 'stupid questions'. Where she was, what time it was...questions of that sort. I know they were asking them for a reason but she was just frustrated by them. She got through them but was quite rude with the woman (in my opinion)...later mother explained she didn't like her, saying she rubbed her the wrong way. From my point of view i felt it was all my mother, the woman was perfectly nice and was just asking t he questions she's been directed to ask for a proper assessment. In the end they suggested mother go to the emergency room that day and be seen. Mother refused, saying my sister Lane was coming the following day to take her. Keeping in mind it is not an emergency but just that she required attention, they accepted this. They also suggested they refer her to a geriatrician (hmmm, proper name, i'm not sure if thats it or if the spelling is correct) but mother also flatly refused that...so they said their hands were tired since she was refusing their help. Mother said 'fine' and all but threw them out.

After they left she was fit to be tied...but was 'holding on' until my sister Lane came on Tuesday to take her to the emerg. Tuesday never happened.

My sister Lane and her husband called. Lane is hard of hearing and has difficulty hearing on the phone...hence her husband calling. They called to say they couldn't come...they were waiting for a phone call regarding an impending appointment. Mother asked if they could come afterwards...they gave her the run around. In the end mother ended up upset and very agitated. In some ways mother was being unreasonable but on the other hand my sister was being selfish. She is never really available to help w ith mother, she leads her own life and doesn't bother with us yet she is mothers favourite. And so the phone call ended with mother hanging up on them. Ouch. It took me a while to calm her down after that. She felt very let down and upset. I couldn't blame her...the last time mother was in hospital she didnt even visit her. I didn't know what to say but got her calmed down.

Wednesday the lady from Catholic Family services came. I also attended this meeting and it went well. Mother inquired about nursing homes but didn't directly ask for a referral....she isn't quite ready for that (to my disappointment...am i horrible or what). The woman was helpful and is sending an occupational therapist to assess things here. One thing we need here is a commode chair so she will see about that. Also so she sending a social worker for mother to talk to. I hope mother will not change her mind. She has a habit of changing her mind regarding these things, feeling overwhelmed when lots of people start buzzing around trying to help. I hope this time will be different. Another thing this woman, a nurse, felt would be helpful for mother was for her to be put on an antidepressant. Mother takes one now but only sporadically. I take quite a few too and its my understanding that you must take them regularly for them to work...mother takes bits and pieces here and there, how can that help? The problem with mother is it is so hard to get her to go to appointments. She is often too sick/weak to go out but she also seems to have an aversion to leaving the house and i cannot force her. I make appointments and then end up having to cancel them because she changes her mind. Ugh.

Today i am feeling very overwhelmed.

On my front...my oncologists office has called. I need to see him asap but i've been unable to get in to see him. It is worrying me sick that he is so insistent that i come, so much so that they do not require me to make an appointment. I will go tomorrow morning, all things being well. I just hope mother doesn't cause a scene or have one of her anxiety or panic attacks, whichever it is. In general i have been okay...but just okay. My pain level has been out of this world but i keep it to myself, mostly. My family doesn't ask but Tim does....but i worry all i do is complain so i often just say i am okay. Mostly i am not though...i need to work on telling it like it is. It is hard to talk about my pain, my disease, my fears etc....but i need to, i know.

It's been ages since i read your blogs...i can't wait to read them to see what is going on in your worlds.

Tired

2008-01-17T18:24:00.000-05:00

Gosh...am i tired right now.

I got up just before 11am today. I was more tired than i realized after dialysis yesterday (i seemed to be there forever and getting home was such a relief).

Today i absolutely had to go for groceries, i'd already put it off a couple of days and we were running out of some things and Friday was out because i have to do laundry and get my list done of chores done.

So i got up, made mothers lunch(thankfully it just meant heating up a plate of leftovers from last nights dinner) and off i went. My nephew dropped me off, saving me taxi fare. I got into the warm store and began shopping. The store was sort of busy but not as bad as say the weekend...so i happily went a bout my business until my blackberry went off. I assumed it was Tim but when i checked, excited to hear from him...i found it was my sister Lane. Lane was on the phone with mother and mother was in the throes of a panic attack. I thought she'd be fine on her own today. She seemed okay and was fine with me going out leaving her...but my nephew didn't return home after dropping me off and the fact that she was all alone sent her into an attack. So there was my sister and her husband on the phone with my mother, trying to calm her down. Lane was texting to me, giving me messages from my mother, mostly HURRAY HOME but i'd just basically began shopping. They eventually got her calmed down and so she felt she'd be okay if i finished shopping, which i did...with tons of messages flying back and forth between my sister and me...her filling me in on everything mother was saying, etc. Finally i was done shopping and let Lane know i was in the checkout....almost four hundred dollars later i let Lane know i was waiting for a taxi and then finally on my way home. By the time i got the HUGE buggy load of groceries up to the door and inside i was exhausted, both emotionally and physically. I just felt so pressured to get home pronto. Mother was so relieved to see me when i got in, she grabbed my hand and started to bawl her eyes out. Bless her heart but (and i know this will sound terrible) but i was just feeling too stresesed to comfort her as i should have. I did my best then had to go get the groceries inside and unpacked a nd put away. Since there was a LOT of them it seemed to take me forever to get it all put away. There are still a few things i haven't found places for...but i will.

That done...i realized there were things i'd forgotten. Darn i hate when that happens, especially after i'd been reading from my list...problem is the list has things scattered all over the place and it is very easy with this diseased/mixed up brain of mine to not see things or to forget....so i've been sitting here making a new list of things i forgot. Maddening.

Well...since everyone here is napping, i think i will go lay down for a bit too. Tim has even gone for a nap too...he has a headache and is tired from his day at the dmv (i think that's where he went) so he's off napping...so off i go. I just wanted to post before i did.

Will visit your blogs tonight...am missing them.

Another quick note

2008-01-16T16:57:00.000-05:00

I am home and very tired. I didn't sleep much last night and today was rather stressful for me.

I am sore and achy so i am going to lay down. They had trouble finding a vein in my chest so they put the catheter in my neck. Ouch, that hurt. Aside from that it was relatively painless...there was just a lot of people buzzing around me, social worker, nutritionist...nurses, etc...all meaning the best and trying to look after me, of course...but my head was abuzz with things at home and my mother being left alone. I didn't get home until after 4pm and i left at 8am this morning...what a long day.

I just got the potatoes and squash ready for dinner. Will mix the meat for hamburgers when my sister gets home with some eggs...so i am going to bed for a while, did i mention i'm tired?

A quick note

2008-01-16T05:38:00.000-05:00

There has been nothing but drama around here lately due to my mother and her viscious tongue....forgive me for not posting sooner.

I am off to have dialysis today. I will post more either later today or tomorrow. I am anxious but i will get through it...wish me luck.

Am i a brainiac...noooooo, not with this brain

2008-01-10T15:55:00.000-05:00

You're Definitely Not a Brainiac

Knock knock! Any brains in there? Seems to be pretty empty.
You have a brain, obviously, but you don't really choose to use it.

Yes, thinking is hard. But being an idiot is harder.
Isn't it about time that you gave your noggin a little exercise?

Read a book, do a puzzle, learn how say a few things in a foreign language.
If you don't use it, you'll lose it. And at the rate you're going, you're going to lose it soon.

Are You a Brainiac?

A recipe

2008-01-10T07:08:00.001-05:00

The Recipe For Jamie

3 parts Flirtation2 parts Slyness1 part Magnetism
Splash of Vigor
Shake vigorously

What's" the Recipe for Your Personality?

A new blog

2008-01-10T06:57:00.000-05:00

I just thought i'd tell you i am thoroughly enjoying a new blog i found recently, though i can't remember where i found it. It's by Mary and it's called Pathways...maybe you'll stop by, have a read and say hello...i promise you'll enjoy it!

What kind of drink am i ???

2008-01-10T06:41:00.000-05:00

What'>http://www.brainfall.com/test11_1.php"> What Kind of Drink Are You?
	You are a Cosmopolitan. You are quiet and content. You don't stand out too much, but you don't mind and don't care what people think of you. You don't need everything to be perfect, as long as you get what matters. Sure, you may be 'girly' and you may not be the smartest, craziest or most refined, but you really like yourself, and that's fine by you.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Sleepless in Hamilton

2008-01-10T04:26:00.000-05:00

I had a talk with Tim tonight as we played chess. I had to let him know that i'd sort of painted a rosier picture of what my oncologist actually said then what i'd told him. I don't know why but it's so hard for me to tell him the cold hard truth when i hear bad or negative news. I guess it's my instinct to protect him from it...i also think i'm afraid of scaring him off...and who could blame him. I just can't help but think this wonderful man has signed up to watch me die. I know, horribly pessimistic of me to think that way but there you have it.

I can't sleep because i have this appointment today. Everything hinges on it...whether or not my treatment can or will continue. I'm a worrier so i doubt i'll be able to sleep...but i did sleep last night for a few hours so i should be okay. Thank goodness my appointment is early in the morning so i can get it over with.

I haven't been to see your blogs...so while i am sleepless in Hamilton, i think i'll head to each of them and see what's happening in your world...

Mmmm, i'm starving

2008-01-09T18:17:00.000-05:00

I made a huge pan of lasagne today. It is in the oven baking now as i type this and it smells yummy. I am sort of hungry today so i can't wait to eat. I even had breakfast this morning, something i very rarely do (i know i should but i don't) so i guess it's just a hungry day for me.

Things have been relatively quiet around here, which has been nice. Maybe all of the stresses have been released for now, i don't know...i just hope the peace lasts a while longer.

I had an appointment the other day with my oncologist and it wasn't very good news. Can't resume my treatment until my kidneys are looked after. So Thursday i am seeing a kidney specialist (i think he is a nephrologist but i'm not sure thats the correct spelling?) to see what, if anything, he can do to help me. I am worried/scared but trying to be strong, at least until i know more.

My oncologist was not happy with having to take this time out. My cancer is an aggressive form and he is concerned...but we can't press forward at the risk of total kidney failure or other organs suffering.

I was saying to Tim last night, that i almost feel normal. I mean yes, i have extraoridnary pain most days and i feel weak but to me that's par for the course...but without the constant sickness and nausea its almost tolerable. I'm wondering what would happen if i decided not to go further with any more cancer treatment. I guess that sounds crazy, considering not long ago i was hoping and praying for another chance at treatment. Okay so my thinking isn't exactly clear...it was just a thought. If i didn't have more treatment i could go to be with Tim sooner rather than later. Food for thought.

Is it just me or does tv really suck lately. It's so boring, there is practically nothing on worth watching...the only thing worthy (to me) these days is the Sopranos. Okay, so they are reruns but my sister and i never tire of watching them...and with my memory its like watching it new every time. Neat!

Peace?

2008-01-07T14:53:00.000-05:00

Can it really been a week since i last posted...where has the time gone.

This morning i had an appointment with my oncologist, since then i've been feeling down. I have to see a specialist about my kidneys, etc...just more stuff to deal with. Right now i'm just looking for a bit of an escape.

It has been a rough few days. Things around here have been tense, to say the least. On Friday i had an argument, if you can call it that, with my sister. She came home to a messy place, nephew had his son Ty over for the night and they had the living room in a mess with their video games, etc spread everywhere...and the superintendant was here, trying to get the radiators flushed and working properly, so the place was a bit of a mess. That and i hadn't done laundry (we had no change for the washers) and i hadn't done my list of chores (remember the laminated list she gave me some time ago). I had no real excuse for not doing it except that i hadn't been feeling well. Well she let me know in no uncertain terms how she felt about all of it and it upset me greatly. Okay so i am too sensitive for my own good but she was a bit brutal with me, all things considered. I don't like to use the fact that i am seriously ill as an excuse but it is a factor that i think she forgets some times. Or maybe she doesn't forget, i think she is just so strong of a woman that she feels i shouldn't use it or anything else as an excuse for not getting my jobs done. Maybe she has a point. I do try my best but it is hard to just muster up the energy to cook for the four of us for dinner and getting mothers meals and snacks all day and night long, let alone do loads and loads of laundry, for four people. It's tough. I want to get someone in to help but they refuse, so what am i to do.

So most of the weekend my sister didn't speak to me, which is very hard for me emotionally. It's hard living in a space with people who are constantly at odds. The other night my sister and mother had a really bad argument, knock down, drag out fight. It got ugly. I tried to stay out of it but they involved me and so i became entangled in it....then they seemed to work things out and then my sister and mother were speaking and my sister wasn't speaking to me. All sort of childish i think...but such is our family.

I just want some normalcy....i find that in Tim.

Now everyone is speaking to one another and all is well...who knows how long it will last for...i'll enjoy it while i can.

Happy New Year 2008

2007-12-31T12:17:00.000-05:00

I hope you all have a safe, happy and healthy New Year!

Be good to each other.

Static electricity

2007-12-30T01:21:00.000-05:00

Saturday was laundry day....we had five loads, six if you count the one load i did with just a sweater of mine in it. I didn't want to wash it with other stuff because i didn't want it to get fuzz balls...problem is, i didn't put it in the dryer so no dryer sheets and i didn't use fabric softener in the wash...which means every time i put the sweater on ( i frequently take it off and put it back on) i keep getting loads of static from it....grrr, i hate that. Anyone have any ideas on how to get rid of that?

Because i did the laundry, i didn't go for groceries. Mother was not amused. In fact she was in a real pissy mood about it and when she gets like that, there is no talking to her and no pleasing her either...so we (my sister and i ) just left her alone to sort herself out. Eventually she did and she asked if i'd go Sunday. I will. We need a few things but not tons....but we definitely need fresh vegetables.

As i've been typing this, i told Tim (we are speaking voice online in MSN) what i was blogging about and he told me to rub a dryer sheet over my sweater, so i'm going to try it, see if it works...what a guy.

Well i am off to play some online games with my guy, enjoy your Sunday.

TBC

2007-12-29T16:13:00.000-05:00

Ya know....i should really learn to leave well enough alone....but i haven't so i have lost stuff with the many changes. I thought i had saved the template...but apparently it doesn't save the widgets (what ARE they anyway?)...if that's what they are called? I don't know...i'm learning (sort of) by trial and error...mostly error. So gone are my awards...sob, sob.

I lost my list of blogs that i love to read...but i think i am missing some and i can't remember which ones (sorry)...it's not a reflection of anything except my stupidity, honest. So if you don't see your blog listed, please let me know so that i can add it. Thank you!

Otherwise...thank you for your patience as i go through these changes.

Dinner, dishes and stuff

2007-12-28T23:48:00.000-05:00

Okay so it seems my last blog template was hard to read and you all seem to like this one...so i'll leave it like this...until i get bored and start to tweak it.

I am a bit of a fanatic when it comes to these things...i have to have things just so....and right now i'm not happy with it but i don't know what it is i don't like. I will figure it out...in the meantime, enjoy...but if i don't make changes and you have trouble reading me, please let me know.

Well it's been a busy evening. I made dinner...pasta and sausages. It was pretty yummy if i do say so myself. I saw someone use fresh mozzarella in their pasta dish and i've been using it ever since. It makes the dish creamy and tasty but you do need to add a bit of salt. After dinner i did the dishes and my sister started to take down the Christmas decorations (they don't stay up long around here). When i was done dishes i gave her a hand, neither of us was feeling very good. I had a bit of a dizzy spell and had to sit for a while. I don't know what's been happening lately but i've been having such spells like that...makes me feel horrible and terribly nauseous. When i felt better, we finished. It didn't take us too long, thank goodness...then S told me to go lay down for a wee while while she vacuumed and tidied up a bit. I took her up on that even though it would only be for 45 minutes because i wanted to be up to watch The Sopranos.

Season 7 is airing here in Canada on the CTV network and so we've been watching. I must say i am a bit let down so far...it somehow doesn't seem up to par. On tonights episode...it was one i'd heard about where Christopher and Tony get into a car accident and Tony ends up killing Chris. Even though we were expecting it, it was a bit shocking to see it unfold. We weren't clear why Tony did it but as the episode unfolded it sort of became clear (i think). Is anyone a fan of the show? If you are...let me know what you think/thought of season 7.

Well i am off to play some games with Tim...enjoy your evening.

Ch ch ch changes

2007-12-28T06:36:00.000-05:00

What to do about my blog...as you can see i've been making some changes....and will probably continue to make some because i am not quite happy enough with it as it is. I think i should have left well enough alone really....but i jumped in with both feet, so here i am.

I'm still trying to solve the mystery regarding my profile...where it went and why i can view it when i look into the settings but can't add the element to my blog because it won't give me the choice to. I really don't understand it...i'm just muddling through really. I tried another template from another site... i'd noticed Martha from Finding My Way had changed her blog and i looked at the place where she'd got her template from and found one i liked and decided to change it...and i liked it very much but couldn't fine tune it as far as font colours, etc goes...so i picked another one...and so you see the outcome (so far)....a work in progress.

The day after...

2007-12-26T12:29:00.000-05:00

Well Christmas is over...we had a lovely, relaxing day. By 10am we had everything ready to go for dinner, we just needed to stuff the bird and put it in the oven. By noon we were all napping as we'd all been up late the night before. It was one of the more relaxing Christmases that i can remember.

Today i am going to make some turkey soup. It is one of my favourite things to do after a big turkey dinner. Right now my sister Lane is here with her two kids and husband. They are visiting with mother and S. I talked to Lane about looking after mother for the ten days or so that Tim and i will be going away. She can't have her at her place because there are so many stairs but she is willing to come down daily and take care of her, she just needs to work out the logistics with her husband, etc. So things are looking up....it looks like Tim will be here for the end of January through the 9th of February, which means he'll be here for my birthday on the 6th...i'm so excited. So i'll be having Christmas and my birthday with him...we might even squeeze in Valentines day, wooohooo. I'm so happy right now.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

2007-12-25T00:29:00.000-05:00

Merry, Merry Christmas to all of you, i hope you all have a wonderful day with family and friends and loved ones.

Christmas eve morning

2007-12-24T06:04:00.000-05:00

It's just after 6am on Monday morning, the day before Christmas. I am filled with thoughts of Tim, wishing we were going to be together but we can't be so i am looking forward to when he does come and we can have our own special Christmas celebration.

Last night was a busy night around here. Seems my sister and mother decided to host an impromptu little party here on Christmas eve for family and so we are rushing around, shopping, baking and preparing food for the occasion. I am not exactly a happy camper...my plans were to be with Tim. Now we'll have an almost full house for a few hours. Okay so i shouldn't be a Scrooge (i'm not exactly, honest) but it was just sprung upon me last night. I wondered why they were getting all of this extra food in..silly me.

So...on probably the craziest day of the year i am going to have to venture out to the mall and yet another grocery store to pick up things we either forgot or decided we needed at last minute. Last time i went the place was a madhouse...it will be much worse today, guaranteed. Can you tell i am dreading it?

Shiver me timbers

2007-12-22T04:19:00.000-05:00

Just finished playing some late night/early morning cribbage with my guy. I am full of a cold and feeling lousy and he's been wonderful about spending time with me whenever i've been awake, hence our games at this hour.

I've been in bed most of the day, asleep. Been taking lots of cold remedy stuff, Tylenol Sinus...Neo Citron which i think Tim and i figured was the equivalent to TheraFlu (but don't quote me on it). It feels good drinking the hot lemon drink...i only wish i could do just hot tea and honey but i have neither and so i took what the drug store would kindly deliver (well, for a $5 fee if i hadn't spent over $30). We are very fortunate here that drug stores and independant grocers deliver....and that came in very handy today.

I woke with this cold coming on Thursday morning...the typical tickle in my nose and throat. As a precaution my doctor sent me some antibiotics and some ear drops because i am prone to throat infections as well as ear infections and with my immune system as it is, it was a wise mood. I haven't begun to take them...no point in doing so for an ordinary cold. I just feel so lousy...you know how it is.

Thursday night i ventured to Walmart to do some last minute shopping, mainly for some more stocking stuffers, etc. It was an absolute mad house and i am so glad i am finished now. There were 15 people in front of me in line for checking out and we moved slow as snails. Seems everyone had a full cart or needed a price check. With my cold coming on, i felt lousy and when i saw myself in a mirror i looked so pale and tired looking. Standing in line i kept breaking out into a sweat and then getting the shivers and i felt like i could barely hold myself up...good thing i had the cart to hold on to. Was so happy to finally get out of there and out into the fresh air of the night...cold as i was it felt good. It wasn't long before my taxi arrived which took me directly home. There, i got it all into the apartment and fell into my bed, fully clothed. It was almost 9pm and my sister was cooking a late dinner for the three of us. It was quiche with peameal bacon and tomatoes with toast. I didn't think i was hungry but i did eat, in bed. My sister took my dishes out, i talked to Tim and then i think i passed out for a few hours. I was beat. Today i was supposed to wrap all i'd bought but i just did not have the energy...tomorrow...let there be a tomorrow.

Did i mention i have to go grocery shopping too? We still don't have a turkey for our dinner, i hope i don't have a problem getting one. I dread going to the grocery store, it will be a mad house too. I hope i'll feel better enough to go today but i just might wait until Sunday.

Well, this was just a quick post...i'll peruse your blogs and then go back to bed. Tim has gone to bed with some NyQuill, he is still fighting off his bug too....i hope Saturday is a better day, for one and all.

Brrrr...it's 5am chilly

2007-12-20T05:03:00.000-05:00

It is just after 5am and i've been awake for a few minutes for an emergency trip to the bathroom. I'll spare you the details...suffice it to say i won't be able to get straight back to sleep for a little while until things have calmed down.

I called Tim and woke him after debating with myself whether to. We had an agreement that whomever woke first would call the other. Since i didn't plan on staying up very long (just as long as i have to) i decided to call him, tell him i love him and send him back to bed. He sounded very groggy...he'd taken a muscle relaxer to help with his neck...i had hoped it would also help him sleep...in any case he's gone back to sleep and i'm sitting here, shivering in a tshirt and shorts (brrr, not proper middle of the Canadian winter sleeping attire) writing this post.

I found a new blog some of you might enjoy, i certainly am. It's called A Brit out of Water and it seems to be about a man, a Brit..who moved to the US and his life there with his new wife, an American...and the differences between the two countries. I've read a bit of it and was impressed, i think it's cleverly written and very enjoyable. Check it out if you get a minute...ps i have no idea who this person is, that is to say i do not know him..it was just a chance find of someone who'd stopped by mine.

I find i am really resenting my mother and sister. Oh sure i can be pleasant to my sister...but there is an underlying resentment there now. I know some of you say i should just go...and i want to, trust me...i want to be with Tim...but as he reminded me yesterday, it's really too late now. We are sure most hotel rooms would be booked...he'd probably have trouble getting a car rental, etc. We will see each other in January. I was thinking how nice it would be to have him here in February too for my birthday...but really i just want to be with him.

With my mother i am angry...there is no denying that anymore. I am angry and i resent having to care for her. Does not a caring caretaker make. I am not being fair to her i'm sure but i've done my best for years and given her my utmost of patience, love and care even beyond when she clearly didn't appreciate it. I have always tried my best and i was focused on caring for her and for myself, fighting this disease and looking after her...and now i want a life with the man i am in love with, engaged to and she is calling me selfish. I still hear their words echoing in my ears and more and more each day i am harbouring this feeling in the pit of my stomach...not a good thing, certainly.

So i feel stuck right now...but somehow, some way i will figure this out. Tim and i weren't brought together to be kept from each other, surely.

2007-12-19T23:47:00.001-05:00

Wednesday late night

2007-12-19T23:26:00.000-05:00

I just woke up from a wee nap...i needed it. I had a sandwich for dinner but have not kept it down...i feel quite weak right now and very headachey and in a lot of pain...oc's here i come. For my sister and mother i made them chicken pot pies and some fried potatoes with cucumber slices. I did not feel up to cooking tonight.

Sister was late getting in after work as she went visiting her friend in a nursing home, then did some Christmas shopping. I've got to get out and do some more last minute stuff too...it's just a matter of when...but as we all know, time is ticking away...i can't believe Christmas is next week.

I have had a lot of stuff on my mind lately, mostly Tim and my health...and so i have been biting my nails. I used to do it years ago...back then i was always a nervous wreck. I was in a terrible relationship then, an abusive one...and i was always on edge...and so i rarely had nice, long nails. These days i almost always have long, nice nails...but the last week or so things have really been getting to me and so i started to bite them. Not something i am proud of, nor is it the worst thing in the world...but it just doesn't look as nice to have Tim's lovely, pear shaped diamond on my hand with nails such as these. You know what i find though...when i am cleaning with bleach, it really makes my nails grow. No really...i swear it does...so i'll bleach my kitchen cloth and do some tea cups and it will help to get my nails growing again.

I am on edge though...mostly worried a bout my health, scared of w hat is happening with my kidneys. I guess it is the fear of the unknown...but my doctor has mentioned possible dialysis....and i don't know what that entails either...so it's scary stuff. I just hope being off treatment helps...but i'll worry either way.

Jay asked if i'd drawn the pic of the angel...no i did not. I wish i were so talented. I just love angels and it is a photo i got off of the web. I'm glad you guys like it...it is lovely, isn't it.

Right now as i type this, my mother has figure skating on which has Andrea Boccelli (sp?) music accompanying the skaters...Christmas music and it's lovely but it's making me miss Tim. Tim is asleep right now. He's been having some headaches related to his neck injury and i know he's been feeling unwell in general w ith flu-like symptoms...i will call him soon, to wake him and see if he wants to play something on Pogo or Gamedesire. Somehow i managed to teach him how to play cribbage (i am a LOUSY teacher) and he's been beating me badly at chess, among some other games. Its a nice way to be together, doing something enjoyable while talking with each other voice.

I have some wrapping to do and i had wanted to get it done tonight but i fell asleep. I enjoy wrapping and had done it last night (i think) but ran out of paper. Tonight my sister picked up some more...so i'm all set to go.

Oh...on Tuesday, after my treatment, i was supposed to take my mother for a hair appointment and i was going to get my bit of hair done too..silly really but she said she'd do something to it to perk me up...anyway it turned out mother couldn't go...she had a panic attack a nd so last minute i had to call and cancel. Thank goodness they are very understanding and realize my mother is the way she is...but i spoke to the woman who does mine and asked if she'd be willing to come here before Christmas to do mothers hair ....to my surprise she said she would and has some time tomorrow before she has to go to work...so at 9.30am she'll be coming to do mothers hair...hooray. Mother will be so pleased. The only thing is, she can't do the perm because of my mothers lungs and the fumes...so she will just wash, cut and set it....thank goodness. I hope it cheers my mother up. My sister and i do her hair (i wash it, my sister sets it, i comb it out and backcomb it) but it's not the same as when a professional does it, of course (thank goodness for the Cheryls of the world!) So i won't have to worry about mother b eing on her own tomorrow because Yuni will be here with her, making her beautiful once again.

Well...i shall post this and then look up your blogs again..i suppose a lot of you are busy with the holiday preparations so some of you haven't posted perhaps...i'll keep checking or look into this google reader...is it hard to use?

2007-12-19T18:30:00.000-05:00

Which reindeer am i ?

2007-12-19T06:12:00.000-05:00

You Are Vixen

Sexy and sultry, you're the one all the other reindeer dream about.
Why You're Naughty: That fur pulling spat you got into with Dancer over Santa.
Why You're Nice: Because even when you're nice, you're still delightfully naughty!

http://blogthings.com/whichofsantasreindeerareyouquiz/">Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

So down...

2007-12-19T04:41:00.000-05:00

It is early Wednesday morning and i can't sleep. I've been sick most of the evening and in a fair amount of pain. I've taken my pain medication and i've also been laying in bed with some gel masks Tim thoughtfully purchased and had sent to me, which feel wonderful but so far the pain rages on.

Tim has an early morning appointment so while we are usually together playing crib or chess or something at this time...he needed to go to bed to try to get a bit of sleep. Unfortunately he had a bad headache too...so i hope a little sleep will help ease it and by the time i call to wake him, it will be gone.

On Thursday i am finished my 6th week of radiation and i'll be done chemo for a while. My doctor feels i need some time to recover from the treatment as my kidneys aren't functioning as they should....so we shall see what happens. I'll find out my new schedule in the new year.

Being off treatment from Thursday on...would have been an excellent time to get together with Tim... but when i approached my mother and sister...they had a fit. My mother threw a tantrum and cried and carried on...you'd think i was abandoning her. She made such a fuss and went on and on about how selfish i was being for wanting two weeks away with Tim. My sister didn't help...i really thought she'd be more supportive of me needing some time away from mother and work with me. Boy was i surprised. Both of them acted like i make a habit of doing this. I've been looking after my mother for almost 5 years now (i think its 5 but it might be 4, please don't quote me) and i've never had time away. My sister works, granted...but she gets time away..i never do...and what's really hard is my mother is so needy, so demanding right now. I can't be out of the bedroom for longer than minutes before she is screaming for me (literally....) wondering where i am, what i'm doing...and if i'll sit with her. It's too much pressure...it's getting to me..i dont know if anyone notices...but it is. I'm at the end of my rope. I just can't do this anymore.

Some of you have suggested i move in with Tim...we'd both love that...but Tim lives in Kentucky and i am here in Canada. We have health care here, the US does not and so i'd be a financial burden on Tim if i moved in there now. I couldn't do that to him...he has his own medical bills to look after, after his life threatening car accident some months ago. So things aren't so cut and dry for us...we have some obstacles to overcome....but lately i've just been really down and depressed over not being able to spend the holidays with Tim. I'd really been looking forward to going to Niagara Falls with him and doing all of the things couples do during the holidays. I've never been one to really enjoy the Christmas season but this year was different because of Tim...and it will be happier because i have him, he is my husband-to-be but my family has spoiled it and i won't soon forgive them. Right now i am just going through the motions with them...my heart is not in to the day we'll spend together....i'll be thinking of me and Tim and what should have been.

Tis the season

2007-12-15T05:43:00.000-05:00

Remember me?

2007-12-15T05:30:00.000-05:00

Another week has simply flown by...before you know it, it will be Christmas day and we'll wonder where the time went.

This week has been a bit of a rough one for me. Aside from the usual stuff with treatment, another friend has succumbed to this nasty disease. Her name was Muriel and she was a lovely lady, older and wiser...been through it all and never let it get her down, with ever a kind word for everyone, be it staff or fellow patients. She'd had a double mastectomy and was also suffering from brain cancer. She had a very rough time of it and i admired her passion for living. She will be missed by everyone who knew her.

On top of that, Tim is sick...so we haven't had too much time together it seems. I miss him and do hope he feels better soon.

I apologize for not writing as much...i seem to be in bed quite a lot of the time lately...feeling quite rough. Headaches have been especially bad but on a good note it's been a while since i last had a seizure. It's wonderful when medication does its job.

I read an email i had earlier from ABC and they were advertising a new game show that is on all this coming week, with the finale on the the following Sunday. It's called Duel and it's a trivia based game show...and i can hardly wait. I love trivia and used to love to spend hours playing Trivial Pursuit with friends and family members...so i'm really looking forward to it. It's on at 8pm...so look for it if you're at all interested. Okay...so i know it's not in keeping with the season but it does look good and it will be a bit of fun.

Well i had better get to bed. I have a busy day planned for tomorrow, assuming i am well enough. Grocery shopping in the afternoon and Christmas shopping in the early evening. We are expecting a snow storm to hit tomorrow night and into Sunday with 10-25cms of snow expected......yeeeeeeeeehaw, did i mention i LOVE snow.

Monday, Monday

2007-12-10T04:55:00.000-05:00

Once again, where has the weekend gone. Seems it just arrived and now it's over...and Monday morning is here. I can't sleep...i have a terrible headache and i neglected to refill my prescriptions on Friday so i ran out over the weekend. Taking tylenol 1's just isn't cutting it and the 3's aren't helping as much as they once did. Granted...i've been crying and that always makes my head feel like it is going to explode from the immense pressure. My back is aching too...my back and my sides..i wonder what's up.

I can't complain...it was a nice, quiet weekend...full of time with Tim, sleep...some grocery shopping and tv. I need to get out to do some Christmas shopping but i didn't get out this weekend. My sister has been wonderful and picked up quite a bit of it, mind you i don't have lots to buy for anymore. Everyone is growing up or has passed away, sad to see that in words.

Tim and i are trying to make plans for him to come over the holidays. It's become a HUGE thing here because of my mother. Tonight she is not happy with me, at all and has been very unkind and even cruel...surprise. I guess in fairness to her, i haven't mentioned any of our plans because they've been so up in the air (and still are) but i do feel like i deserve the 'time off' and the time away from here. I will have the time off of my treatment and i really want and need to spend time with Tim....but my mother says i am being selfish. I had suggested my niece come to stay, she is 17 and her and my mother are fairly close (she is her only granddaughter). I thought it was a good idea, giving them some time together...but my mother won't hear of it. She doesn't want to burden her. So now what, i don't know. My mother got so upset...it was 3am and she screamed for my sister to wake up, which she did...unhappily so ( i don't blame her at all). When my mother told her she was suprised and when she asked why i hadn't told them before...i explained that it hadn't been planned (and still hasn't been). Mother refuses to be left alone...and i don't know what to do. I had hoped, in some small recess of my heart...that they'd somehow be happy to give me the time away....maybe even be glad to be rid of me for the two weeks or whatever...but nooooooo. Sister stormed off back to bed, mother has been crying and carrying on and uttering mean and unflattering things about me and Tim (mostly me though) under her breath, for me to hear of course. All of this has me very upset...all i know is that i need to see him and want to spend the holidays, both Christmas and New Years with him. I hope we can sort it all out.

I'm behind on your blogs...going to them now.

RiP Sandra

2007-12-04T16:35:00.000-05:00

It's been a very sad day for me today. A friend and fellow long time cancer patient has died. She was 53. Sandra was a very brave woman, enduring all of the stuff that goes along with this nasty disease and did so with a smile on her face for everyone she came across. She battled breast cancer then it traveled to her brain it was this battle that she lost. She will be missed by her family and loved ones... me included.

Some lovely white roses...from Tim

2007-12-04T16:31:00.000-05:00

Help

2007-12-04T16:23:00.000-05:00

I've just noticed that my profile is gone from my blog, i have no idea why. I've been searching under settings, etc and can't seem to find anything that i may have inadvertenly clicked on (or off as it were) to change that...does anyone have any ideas?

Mother et al

2007-12-01T00:40:00.000-05:00

Ever heard it said that parents just don't understand. I have...i think it's a song or something but don't ask me by whom...i've just heard it somewhere and lately i've been living it. My mother just doesn't understand what its like to be in love anymore. I know it's been so long since she has been in love...sad, yes. Sadder yet, she says she thinks she's never been in love. That brought tears to my eyes...to think she didn't love my father or feel his love for her. Yes...sad.

All of this came to light because she doesn't understand why i want to spend so much time with Tim...she says she just doesn't get it. Well...happily, i do and i want to spend all of the time with him that i can and i do and i will for as long as he can stand me. Goodness knows he might well tire of me but i hope not. He is good for me, i think we are good for each other...he is such a positive person, very uplifting, he keeps my spirits high. Thank God for Tim.

She has been better about things though...not giving me as much grief as she used to...thank goodness....and the last couple of days or so she hasn't been quite so needy or hasn't been having her panic attacks. Thank goodness again because it's been getting increasingly difficult for me to deal with. I will continue to be as patient as i can with her ....especially while she tries to figure out what she wants to do and where she wants to live. I think she feels unwanted here and i blame myself for that. It is not that i don't want her here, it's just that i have a hard time dealing with all of her needs, 24 hours a day, seven days a week...with little or no time to myself, ever. It has gotten to the point where she doesn't even want me to go shopping, which i used to be able to do, and leave her on her own. Now she has become clingy and panic-stricken and insists she not be left on her own. I don't know where it came from, this unreasonable fear but there it is and it's hard to deal with. She is basically bed-ridden now...very rarely even ventures out of our room to the living room even...just to the bathroom and back to bed. She has no friends, no one to call and chat with. Yes she has siblings but is at odds with most of them (ours is not a close-knit family) and so we are all she has. She has no outside interests...she does not do crafts, or bake or write letters anymore. It seems very difficult to get her interested in anything, even the television now. Cries...oh yes she cries..all of the time, seemingly without reason she cries. I know she is depressed and afraid but i don't know how to help her anymore. I try to comfort her but she is mostly inconsolable. She won't listen to anything my sister or i say to her when we try to help. It feels impossible. I want her to go to a retirement home but i'd like it to be her decision because i think she'd feel happier that way. In charge and responsible for said decision. If i say i can no longer take it, i fear i'd be hurting her in the worst way and my guilt won't allow it...so i keep hoping she will come to the decision on her own. She does seem like she is very close to making that decision but she has to make it for herself...at least that's what i think.

Otherwise...it was end of my third week of treatment on Thursday. Three more weeks of radiation and a little over five months left of chemo. I have been sick...and in pain and having seizures but i think my spirits are good and i'm hoping that will make a difference. I feel it is already...having Tim in my life this round has given me an attainable goal. Each day i press myself to get through so i can come home and be with him, spend time with him and i try to take each day as it comes....that's all i can do for now.

Dinner tonight was fish and chips...i didn't feel like cooking and so we ordered out. Sister had a bad headache and has been battling the flu like symptoms and so has mother...i hope i don't come down with the same thing because the symptoms they've been having are things i experience every day with my treatments. I have had a sore throat though and so my doctor is keeping an eye on me, last thing i need is an infection.

Nephew finally got his new car the other day. I haven't seen it yet and apparently i'm not allowed to ride in it...remember the little incident with the car accident. Yes he is joking but i've still not seen it yet...i will soon enough i'm sure.

Sister is babysitting all day Saturday and won't be home until Sunday...so it will just be me here with mother....no shopping for me again. I need to get my Christmas shopping going..i have one gift so far, it's for Tim and he already knows what it is. Otherwise i am at a loss, i can't think of what to get anyone...such a stressful time of year. Have you all begun yours? I bet some of you are finished...any gift ideas? Any hot items your loved ones are getting this year? I need to know.

Awake

2007-11-29T00:24:00.000-05:00

I woke a little while ago from a nap. I usually love naps but getting to this one was stressful and i was woken by my mother, crying my name...never a good way to be woken.

Prior to napping my mother and sister had a nasty little argument....okay so it wasn't so little...but it was nasty. I don't know why my mother starts these things and gets herself all worked up. By the end of it she was crying and fussing and just a misery, not having a kind word to say about her eldest daughter, my sister Lane or myself for that matter. Upsetting, to say the least but i tried not to get involved...i wasn't feeling well enough to insert myself into the mix. I tried to get my mother to see sense, to not say the hurtful things she was saying to my sister but she just says things without seeming to care the effect on its intended victim. In the end we're all hurting, except Lane, who doesn't come around much at all...perhaps she is the smartest one of all of us, she has her own life and lives it...but i think somewhere between her way and mine would be better, after all mother does need to be tended to. We can't just toss her to the curb as she insists we are trying to do.

Other than that...i am almost done my third week of treatment. It's been relatively uneventful...changes in medications and seizures aside from the usual nausea, vomiting and other unpleasantries....just another week in the life of.

Saturday catch-up

2007-11-24T18:22:00.000-05:00

I just woke up and could easily fall back asleep. It was almost 1pm before i crawled into bed to sleep from last night and i was more than ready for it. I am in pain but in good spirits. I hope it doesn't get any worse. Been having bouts of nausea and had a seizure just a little while ago. My sister is worried for me but i'll be fine. I just feel so tired...it does have that affect on me.

This morning i'd placed an order for a few groceries and they were delivered not long before i went to bed. By now you're thinking, what could we possibly need after the amount i spent on groceries the last time...but it was mainly some fresh produce...milk, butter and two fresh chickens that i am making for Sunday dinner. Usually, but not always...my sister cooks...this week i said i'd cook and that's what i am making...with stuffing and cranberries, potatoes and biscuits. Should be yummy...though i'm sure some of you still don't want to hear about food after your Thanksgiving feasts.

I wish you could see my room right now....well, no...really i'm glad you can't...it's an absolute mess....there is stuff all over the place. I received a parcel last night from Tim. Inside were two sets of silver bangle bracelets (which i just love...and now you can hear me wherever i go) and some beautiful earrings...a bunch of candies, some acid reducer for my stomach...two kinds of lip balm (i have a bad habit of picking my lips....i know, tmi) and a pair of glasses from the pharmacy. I forget what they are called but as i've mentioned, i've been having trouble seeing and so Tim picked me up a pair to see if they'd help...and they do...only my sister loves them and has made off with them. I keep finding them in her places and grab them back....and when she spots me with them she takes them back....grrrr! An awkward situation...which shouldn't be because she does have her own glasses....but Tim has good taste in glasses and he picked me out a nice pair and even my mother likes them. I'll have to hide them....

Also included in the parcel was one of Tim's business cards with his cologne sprayed on it. Mmmm, i love a man that smells hot and this cologne is hot. I think he said it was Armani Code...i've never heard of it (which isn't saying much) but it's amazing what the smell of that cologne does to me. Do you like the smell of your signifigant other (if you have one)...do you have a favourite scent for yourself? I'd love to hear what it is. Mine is Glow by JLo at the moment. It's lovely and i get lots of compliments (mainly from other women) on it. What's yours?

Well i suppose i should sort something out for dinner...perhaps i'll throw a lasagne in the oven...that's simple enough...but something tells me my mother will turn her nose up at it. If not that, something...

Happy Thanksgiving To My American Friends!

2007-11-22T03:02:00.000-05:00

To all of you i wish you the very happiest of the days with your loved ones surrounding you. Enjoy yourselves!

ps...special greetings to Tim...wish i were there...I love you darling...and remember, no texting on the drive home!

Wednesday evening late

2007-11-21T23:34:00.000-05:00

Brrrr! I just woke up from a nap and i am freezing...and i love it. My bedroom window is open and boy is it windy and cold. I just heard we are supposed to be getting some snow tomorrow...i can hardly wait, let's hope the weather man is right!

I'd been trying to sleep til midnight when Tim was due to call and wake me but there was so much going on around me i was woken up early, just before 11pm. I feel rested though...that's the good news....but my mother and sister were in here looking for my sewing kit. My sister needed a button sewn on a pair of pants she wants to wear to work tomorrow and when they found it, they both were having trouble threading the needle. The two of them laughed and laughed...it was infectious so before you know it i was laughing before i even knew or was wide awake enough to know what i was laughing at. In the end they passed the needle and thread to me and somehow i managed to do it. Mother was using black thread on the black pants...a deadly combination to sew with at 11 o'clock at night...so i finished doing it then finished another small project my sister had assigned to me and got it all put away.

Earlier today when i got home from my treatment, i did four loads of laundry. It had to be done and at that point i was feeling well enough to do it...but right now i'm quite ill. I am so thankful tomorrow is Thursday....bring on the weekend.

Tuesday early evening

2007-11-20T16:08:00.000-05:00

It turned into a sunny day here, very lovely and brilliant blue...but i still do love the rain.

So i got my laptop out last night...i have to confess since i bought it i've barely used it. I don't know why that is...but my sister was on my desktop last night and i wanted to be online so i used i did. I guess i still don't have all of the stuff on there that i use on my desktop and so it doesn't feel comfortable yet. In the end i bought a wireless mouse for it...maybe one day i'll get used to the touch pad and just use that though. I use it sitting/laying in bed and often times my legs are crossed and i have such bad circulation that my legs ten to fall asleep...how/where do you guys use yours?

Had my treatments today and so far i'm feeling ok, though i have a terrible headache...so i feel somewhat cranky. I try not to take it out on anyone when i am...but i'm not perfect and i'm sure some times i do. I am consumed with thoughts of seizures now, worried everywhere i go that i'll have another one. It wouldn't be the end of the world, i know...it's just worrisome. Going to take something for my headache/pain then make a cup of tea...day two of my tea phase. Usually i drink coffee but my stomach has been upset and don't want to smell the coffee, let alone taste it.

My sister will not be here for dinner tonight...so it will just be me making dinner for mother tonight. I'll make her some knackwurst with potatoes and corn. I hadn't decided until just now...i'll have some soup, as will my sister when she gets in. No idea what my nephew will have but he is old enough (my age) to fend for himself tonight...i don't feel up to cooking a big meal.

I'm feeling down right now so i think i'll go curl up in bed and watch some tv. Tim has gone out for a while and i guess i'm feeling lonely....i think i'm caught up on your blogs but i will check in later.

A quick note

2007-11-20T08:38:00.000-05:00

It is a perfect fall morning. Dull and rainy and overcast, the bright falling leaves really stand out. I am waiting for a taxi to come pick me up to take me to my treatment. They are often very busy at this hour and especially on days like this, so i thought i'd post while waiting.

I've just made mothers breakfast...i am often rushing around at this point in the morning...my fault, i do it to myself, i leave it til the last minute...i think i enjoy the rush of having to rush around...but not really, as i do find it stressful.

Okay i must run...

Tuesday mourning rains

2007-11-20T02:35:00.000-05:00

It is the wee hours of the morning and i just got off the phone with Tim. We've hooked up online and are chatting here for a while as we sort of each do our own things while talking. A little while ago when i got up from bed and went to the window, it was pouring rain outside and very blustery...i can't tell you how i love nights like this. The only thing that could make this evening better, weather wise, would be for it to be snowing...i can't wait for the snow to start falling. I hope i am alive to see it..at this point i am not taking that for granted, i am trying not to take anything for granted so that i can go out for a late night walk in it. I love when the snow falls and the city is all but silent in a pink glow and the ground glistens like millions of tiny diamonds at my feet.

I am awake at this hour and spending time with Tim. We like to think of these hours as our time because we can talk and be together mostly uninterrupted. Sometimes mother is awake and demanding but she seems to sleep more and more often so i've really come to love this time of the night.

My pain is quite bad right now...and i do feel somewhat tired but i've felt tired all day. It's been a while since i last had a seizure and i'd almost forgotten how it really wipes me out. I slept during my treatment, the nurse called me when it was over and sent me home to sleep. Do you know that i cannot remember if i slept when i got home or not...i know i called Tim, or did he call me...my darned memory seems to be getting worse.

So my doctor gave me some more pain medication today and upped the steroids again and increased the dosage. My face is swelling, i look horrible but it can't be helped....i look horrible in general...this disease is ravaging my body, my mind and sometimes my soul. I am fighting back, trying not to let it rob me of life though, it can't, i won't let it.

Feeling melancholy right now too...down, depressed...in need of Tim more than ever. Last night was bad, the pain was excruciating...i just wanted to cry and think i did...but Tim talked to me, for hours, talked to me...regaling me with stories of him growing up and then told me the story of us. It was the loveliest thing a man has ever done for me...knowing, i'm sure, that some things i am missing from my memory....he is just that giving that he keeps me filled in.

My weekend

2007-11-19T01:11:00.000-05:00

Another weekend has flown by...and i am looking forward to the next...i bet some of you are too.

When last i'd written, my sister had emailed me those two emails from her office, upsetting me. We emailed back and forth that day and by the next day she was very apologetic after seeing me upset and crying. The facts are that i kind of need to be here right now, around other people, not on my own...and she needs me here to look after mother. She says she couldn't manage on her own and i knew that from the get-go. So i am staying...at least for now...and we will do what we have to do to get along, at least until Tim and i can be together.

The weekend was a busy one...mine, as you know, started on Thursday as that was my last day. Thursday at dinner time i went for groceries. We needed a fair amount of things and so off i went. My mind was on Tim at that point and i kept looking for texts from him but he'd gone to sleep and so i busied myself with the task at hand....$433 and change later, i left the store...wondering how on earth i'd get it all put away and then have to make dinner. When i got home i broke the news of the bill amount to the ladies and began the arduous task of unpacking and putting it all away. I think i still have things scattered all over the kitchen but for the most part it is all put away, in its place...sort-of, kind-of. Thankfully we decided to order in some Chinese for dinner...and we spent a small fortune on that as well (do we have more money than brains...perhaps in my case that is true) but it was yummy and we all enjoyed it...and there would be enough for lunches the next day, hurray.

That evening i spent with Tim online, playing a new game that we found and chatting voice.

Friday i wanted to do the laundry but decided it could wait and spent most of the day with Tim. Friday evening my sisters grandson Evan came for the night. He arrived around 6pm and then she whisked him off to the mall to do some Christmas shopping for mother. By the time they got back i had dinner ready...pasta with garlic sausage and peppers and mushrooms with fresh mozzarella. It was yummy and they were starving by the time they got back. Saturday Evans brother was to j oin him here and her eldest grandson Tyler also...the four of them went to the Christmas parade. They enjoyed themselves and came home all excited for having seen the big guy from the North Pole. I can't believe it's this close to Christmas....the time just creeps up on you. I am not a planner and so i am not ready. That evening i again spent the night with Tim, online.

Saturday i don't remember much about...i don't know why but i don't remember what i did that day. I know the boys were here in the morning and it was hectic and noisy and nice to have them around. While they were out i had a nap. They all went home after the parade when their parents came to pick them up. Dinner was easy that night since mother only wanted some hot soup and everyone else had leftover pasta (i always make too much...enough to feed a small army). Saturday evening was spent with Tim...which is just the way i like it...i enjoy and treasure the time we spend together and can't wait to see him at Christmas time. If i am well enough i will go there, failing that, he will come here...either way, it promises to be a very special time for us...i hope i am well enough to enjoy it (from my lips to Gods ears). Saturday night i went to bed very late...it was more like Sunday morning i think but i don't remember the time...as i mentioned, we found a new game to p lay online. It's called Pachisi. For those of you who don't know it, it's the same as Sorry! and so it's a lot of fun...and we're having a blast with it because each of us is very competitive.

Sunday i slept until almost 3pm. I was tired and the time flew by apparently...i guess the late nights over the weekend had finally caught up with me and i needed to sleep. By the time i'd woken, mother had already had both breakfast and lunch and dinner was on. We had the full roast beef dinner with roasted potatoes, turnip, peas and yorkshire pudding with gravy. I ate a fair amount as i'd woken up hungry. We watched some tv as we ate...we never sit at the dining room table and eat, how uncivilized are we. Anyway dinner was yummy and since sister cooked i decided i'd do dishes...but she insisted on helping (boy was i thankful, she makes a huge mess when she cooks) me and so the two of us worked our way through them. I washed, she put the food away and dried and put things away. I took my time working on them and sat down in between...i find myself having to do that a lot these days. I tire easily.

After dishes were done we watched some tv. The Amazing Race was on and i wanted to watch that but my sister wanted to watch the Home Makeover show with Ty Pennington, i forget the exact name but i'm sure you know what i mean. Good show tonight...a young mother with 6 children whose husband died in their house quite unexpectedly. Sad. The show often is. I think they build them beautiful houses but i wonder how many of them can afford the upkeep on such huge houses...but what do i know. So we watched that and then my mother wanted her hair washed and set. I do the washing because i don't know how to do the roller thing...but my sister does so between the two of us, we get it done. After that was done we decided we'd retire to my bedroom and watch tv and my sister would play here, on my computer. I rolled my mother down to the bedroom (she will no longer walk, she wants to be pushed in her chair) and got her settled in bed and returned to the living room. I'd been feeling light headed and was seeing stars and lights in my eyes..flashing sort of lights or something..hard to explain. Next thing i know my sister is calling my name and i come to and i am on the floor...apparently i'd had a seizure. It has been quite some time since i last had one so this was very concerning but once i got up and straightened myself out, i felt better. I was thankful my mother wasn't in the room and my sister suggested we not tell her as she'd only worry. She often worries what she'd do if 'something happened to J'....well i didn't want her going on and on about it. I was fine...but very very tired. I guess it really does a number on my brain and it tires me right out. Not sure if that is common, i think so though.

I tried to lay down for a while following that but my mother began to have a bit of a fit because she wanted me to rub her back for a while and i said i'd do it when i woke up. Well that wasn't good for her, she wanted it done then and now. I wouldn't do it and so she started in on me...but not before she called and got my sister up out of her bed to rub her. My sister did it but only briefly...i'm a sucker and do it for like an hour at a time. Really it's a small price to pay to keep her calm and quiet...but she's really taken to wanting it all of the time...and often not just wanting it but demanding it, like it's my duty to do it. I resent that. Most of the time i do it to make her happy but when i get stubborn i just dont want to do it. Gosh, that sounds so mature, doesn't it.

My head is hurting as i type this ...it's worrying me. I've noticed a change in my eyesight recently...i struggle to read my blackberry and various other things. I need to have an eye exam and soon but everything takes time and time is precious. Wednesday afternoon i have an appointment with my family physician for a check up. I don't know why i have to go for these but i go because he keeps me in some prescriptions that i really need and so i have to check in with him...so for me this will be a bit of a busy week. I hate busy weeks. I find myself just wanting to be home, away from the prying eyes of strangers... i know, i've lost it.

Day 3

2007-11-14T22:10:00.000-05:00

Day three for this week over and done with...one day left then three days off, i can hardly wait. I am really looking forward to the time off, to recharge (i hope) and spend time with Tim.

I came home today to a lengthy email from my sister (who was at work) which caught me totally off guard. In essence...she has suggested i move out. Apparently i am a burden to them and they feel like i am spending all of my time with Tim and not nearly enough with them and they feel like they don't matter. I also don't do enough around here any more and at her age (my sister is 55) she doesn't feel like she needs to be looking after me, she has enough on her plate. Well the email went on and on...about the list (remember the list she laminated for me) and the fact that i don't do the stuff on the list... and then i received another email about another issue, mother. Sue decided within the last week that mother would stay with us. I guess she felt as the eldest daughter, it was her place to decide but i am the one who looks after her so i felt i should have some say. I try to speak up but what i say doesn't usually matter much....and so mother is staying.

That's been my day/night in a nutshell. Lots of tears and upset...letting her get to me...i know i shouldn't. The thing is, if i did go, who would look after mother...i won't take her with me. I'm sorry but she'd have to go into care if my sister wouldn't look after her and i don't see how she'll be able to, being at work all day.

I'm a mess...you know how it is when you've been crying a lot, your eyes are red and puffy...i looked in the mirror when i went to splash some cold water on my face and looked a fright. Nothing like the honesty and brutality of a mirror at times like these. When we have to face ourselves. For some it's harder than you'd think.

Day 1

2007-11-12T23:42:00.000-05:00

Day one over and done with. I came straight home from my treatments, did not go shopping as my mother hoped i'd do. I've been saying for days that i'd go but i just don't feel up to it these days... I thought perhaps i would be ok to go but i didn't sleep last night and so there was no way.

I'm feeling nauseous and very tired. Have had frequent trips to the bathroom (tmi?) ...not off to a roaring good start to the week....a sign of things to come, of course.

Spent most of the evening with my sister. We watched Little People, Big World, Two and a Half Men and then Dancing With the Stars. I am just not really in to the show this time around. Sure i like some of the stars....but i'm just not invested in the outcome as i've been with previous seasons. I'm finding myself like that a lot with programs...am i losing my interest in tv...i think not.

Tim and i got talking about Seinfeld the other night...we had a blast talking about various episodes. I'm a Seinfeld fan but i do have trouble, because of my memory, remembering anything too specific (though some things do obviously stick with me)....but he'd asked me what my top 10 episodes were...(or was it top 5)...and i had a hard time choosing...though i think my choice for first place would be the 'Master of my domain' episode. Are any of you Seinfeld fans?

Well i am off to spend the rest of the evening with Tim...and to check out your blogs. If you haven't been to Jay's blog over at Cynical Bastard check him out. He's been doing some vlogging lately and its so good, i find myself smiling and laughing the whole time watching his little clips.

Angels and such

2007-11-12T03:48:00.000-05:00

It's been a nice weekend. I have stayed up all night two nights to spend time with Tim and caught a bit of sleep here and there. I didn't get for groceries so i might have to go after my treatment tomorrow. It needs to be done and Monday might be the best day as i'll just get sicker as the week goes on.

I am anxious about this course beginning...looking to the future though, hoping for the best but nervous about the outcome. I have always wanted to survive this disease but now i am looking to a future with Tim and it's given me a real reason to fight, if that makes sense.

I told my mother finally...that i was to begin more treatment. She is worried about the time she will have to spend alone and i feel bad for her but this is something i have to do, i am fighting for my life. That is how i put it to her...that if i don't do it, i don't know how much longer i'll be here. She seemed to accept that though she cried and carried on some. I did my best to be patient with her, i comforted her and told her i'd do my best until we can sort out other arrangements.

I also told my sister. She is worried for me...but my sister is one tough cookie and just expects me to do what needs to be done, period...and so i will. She was concerned what it would mean to things around here because i haven't been a lot of help around here lately...i reassured her i will do my very best to keep on contributing to the household responsibilities, ie...cooking..dishes ..laundry...garbage and the shopping, all of the things that have become my responsibilities. I have to do these things and look after mother...i mean lots of people undergoing treatment have children and spouses and jobs to do...surely i can do my share here...and i will.

I was relieved to have told them both. I know it must seem odd to tell them last, i mean even after i told all of you. That is because we are just not close and they just aren't the most supportive people in the world...and so until Tim came along and i didn't have you all to confide in, i had no one really. I guess i tend to keep most things to myself...with my online friends i would open up about some but never all. I wish i were more of an open book...i am learning to be with Tim.

As i type this i am listening to songs all about angels. They have come to mean a lot to me....maybe all of you don't believe in them but i do...i think but for the grace of them, i'd not be here. I think they brought Tim into my life and they show their good graces to me in many ways each and every day. I am thankful for that. Thank God for angels.

2007-11-09T15:34:00.000-05:00

It has been a day full of sleep...i just can't seem to keep awake. The weather outside (rainy) isn't helping.

Last night was a bit of a difficult night....and i spent some time in the bathroom vomiting which was somewhat alarming as i've been having some really bad pains in my stomach and then was vomiting up blood. I think it was just a bit of upset and turmoil i was going through...it has calmed down today though the pain persists.

I just now had a call from the hospital, giving me my schedule for my chemo and radiation. Will be a rough six months but i will do what i have to do. I start immediately...bright and early Monday morning. Yes i am nervous but i am also happy and thankful for this chance that i've been given. I have to battle this disease with everything that i have.

I'll have to break the news to my mother gently. She's been so clingy lately, having anxiety attacks. When she is in the midst of one she is very clingy and needy and she only wants me and wants me right with her, on the bed, rubbing her back, talking to her, calming her. It's a bit much and i used to be so patient with her but i find myself losing it these days... i just can't take that she needs me so much...and i find myself wondering how i'll ever get myself out of this situation, caring for her. I have to though...i want to...i want to be with Tim and in order to do that i have to stop caring for her.

Monday's Appointment

2007-11-07T01:49:00.000-05:00

J has given me the gift of her trust and asks me to inform you of the outcome of the Dr’s appointment of the results of the latest testing. She is handling the news as well as can be expected, the freshness of her appointment makes it difficult to write about, so she ask me to fill in.

Prior to Monday has been a week for both of us filled with worry, anxiety, tears, and positive prayers. Although we didn’t receive the miracle we were looking for, there are a couple of options that have to be digested, evaluated and decided on quickly on which is the best direction to go.

There is somewhat relief that Monday is over, to see the woman I am so madly in love with have to struggle with this is tough, I would trade places with her in a second.

There have been questions if I know everything about J’s disease or if I feel it’s my duty to be with her. Yes I do know everything and will support her, as for the other please don’t make me out to be something I’m not, I have selfish motives when it comes to her. J and I have something that you only find once in a lifetime in the love we share and I will not let it go without a fight. As we try to love each other day-by-day, all we want is a chance to be with each other.

So as we make this decision together and try to fight the good fight, we ask for all your prayers and blessings. There will be more details to come and will keep you informed either by J or I.

God Speed,
T

What Season Am i ?

2007-11-03T01:44:00.001-04:00

You Belong in Winter

Quiet, calm, and totally at peace...You're happy to be at home, wrapped in a blanket, completely snowed inWhether you're lighting a fire or having a snowball fight, you always feel best in the winter.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatseasonareyouquiz/">What Season Are You?

Testing

2007-11-03T01:12:00.000-04:00

I am just testing how to publish a post on your blog...

I love you and we can face anything side-by-side together...

Thank you for the love you show me...

Love always,

Tim

Alone

2007-11-02T16:40:00.000-04:00

I am tired and lonely. I just finished doing four loads of laundry and folding it and putting it all away. Mother always helps to fold as much as she can but with four people, as i'm sure some of you know, there is a lot of stuff. Add to that the fact that everyone was complaining last night that i hadn't done it in a while and it added up to quite a bit. I'm just glad it's done. I should vacuum but i just don't have the energy....what i really want is a nap but i am waiting for Tim to call me back.

Mother has been a dream today...understanding that i have a terrible headache. I woke with it and it hasn't left me all day, despite the morphine and steroids. She has even rubbed my head for a little while before i started laundry....it helps to relax me but doesn't relieve the pain.

Tim and i talked after i posted early this morning. He read what i wrote and we talked about things from there....it was a good talk and i felt so much better afterwards....when will i ever learn, i am my own worst enemy.

It has been a beautiful fall day out there by the look of it....though i haven't been out to enjoy it. We finally had our a/c window unit taken out yesterday and so it's lovely and cool and breezy but so chilly i had to get out a warm blankets this morning, brrrr...but i love it.

My time for a nap has come... but i'll be back.

Early morning sentiments...

2007-11-02T05:23:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here listening to some Solitudes music along with Tim, each of us moved by it. We've spent the evening together, playing games and listening to music.

I am sad, beside myself with worry and sadness. I am trying my best to hide it from him but i know i am not, he is too smart for the likes of me.

I am thinking about Monday....and wondering if i hear the worst news..that he is also unwilling or unable to help me...how i will come home and tell this man that i am so in love with. The one i've been lost in thoughts of a future with...the one who has given me a reason to live and to look to the next day and the day after that. How will i tell him...

I've never really had any one else that i've had to break news to...i've always dealt with all of my trials and tribulations on my own. I have rarely filled in my family any of the news i've ever had to share....they just aren't the sharing kind...and i am learning that maybe i am not either. After all...i have the worlds most special man with me right now and instead of talking about all of this difficult stuff with him, i am blogging about it. I can't open up to him...i can't say the things i am thinking, the things i am crying about...the thoughts i am having are ripping me apart.

I feel like i am torturing him, dragging him through this with me...at the worst i think how could i have done this to him...but in my weaker moments i know i couldn't have gotten this far without him. Monday will be difficult enough to face but at least this time i will not be alone, not in spirit. He can't be with my physically but spiritually i know he'll be right beside me, holding my hand.

God help me though, i don't know how to open up and share my thoughts and fears. Yes...Monday could turn out well and i hope and pray it does...and if it does that will be easy to deal with....i will simply have to get through whatever it brings...but if i hear the worst...then where do we go, where would we turn.

I don't know...i just don't know.

And now i am listening to the hauntingly beautiful call of the loon...sat here with the man that i love, he hundreds of miles away....but so close i can hear him breathe into my ears through the headset i am wearing...longing for him, for his touch, his comforting words and a future together we both so desperately want.

Thursday already?

2007-11-01T14:59:00.000-04:00

This week, like the weekend, has flown by....i can't believe it's Thursday already. Tonight Survivor is on but i really could care less. Somehow i just can't get into the characters on the show this time around....and don't ask me their names, i haven't a clue. Sometimes my sister will talk about it and i am hopeless, i have no idea what she is ever on about or who.

Last night was Halloween. I saw no kids out when i looked. Sue gave out candy at our aunts place and she said she didn't get many kids at all. Tim said the same thing about his place....where are all of the kids these days. Did you have many at yours?

I go on Monday at 10am to the doctors, to find out what is to become of me. It will be a rough weekend because i will be worried...i am already worried.

I have officially made Tim a contributor to my blog. I did this because i do love his participation here...but also because i've been thinking for some time now, that i'd have no way to notify you if something happened to me. Tim has agreed to do that when or if something does. I can't thank him enough for that....because i know you guys would want to know. Thank you all for caring.

Mother has been rather high maintenance lately...so much so that it is really stressing me out. She has been having some rather intense anxiety attacks (i guess you'd call them) and when she is going through that, she is very demanding of me and my time, ie, she wants me right there, with her...sat on the bed, preferably rubbing her back. I am getting so tired of it...i almost just can't deal with it. As i said, it's just stressing me out and as i've also mentioned before, i just feel so guilty for being so off with her.

She has changed her mind though, about going into care. Somehow my sister convinced her to stay here so 'we' could look after her. Ultimately i wanted her to go...she is always telling me these days, how lousy i am at looking after her...listing the things i don't do for her....so i know she'd be far better off in care. I feel so disappointed, so let down. I thought i'd be free soon even though she was to go onto a waiting list...and for who knows how long, it was the promise of the end of this burden.

Tim is away today and i'm missing him. He has physio-therapy two days a week and i have to confess that the hours that he is away from me are lonely ones, i have really grown to depend on him and his company. I can't wait for him to return home to call me.

Well i didn't make it to your blogs last time but i am heading there now....

My thoughts tonight

2007-10-29T03:13:00.000-04:00

life or death

to make plans to live...or plan to die

i feel torn....and i'm having immense guilt. how do i make plans to marry and live a life when i don't know if i will have a life to live

why am i having such feelings right now...i am madly in love with Tim and i want to look to a future but i wonder am i only fooling him...and myself by looking to the future. i don't know and it makes me sad to think about it.

as i type this we (Tim and i) are playing a Scrabble like game on Pogo and listening to some music...i have fibbed to him and told him i wasnt crying when i was.....because of these thoughts running through my head (when you read this Tim, i'm sorry for fibbing, i didn't want to ruin our time)...but i just cant clear these thoughts from my heads..like cobwebs, they are invasive....crowding my mind and making me sad.

i dont know how to move forward...do i ask for help. is it unfair for me to ask this man to help me...is it unfair for me to become his wife only for him to possibly have to watch me die. i dont know...i dont know the answers to these questions...those are some and there are so many more...

i am not having doubts about us...we are fabulous together, we fit like a glove...and if ever there was a soul mate for me, i truly believe Tim is him...the person i am meant to be with...but at what cost to him.

Chasing thanks - By Tim

2007-10-28T23:22:00.000-04:00

My deepest thanks for all the positive responses that Chase and I have received in sharing my feelings of a beautiful woman and the announcement of our engagement. Chase and I have some difficult hurdles as we begin our life together to overcome, I hold Chase and our relationship very sacred and the positive support is truly appreciated. It is rare that you find someone that can make your heart feel like it is beating out of your chest and at the same time have a calming effect in your mind. I truly love this woman, and she truly loves me.

Chase has been very protective of sharing our relationship, but we both feel that we are at a point where negative responses or influences cannot or will not sway the love we have for each other. Chase was right by starting with the support of the people at her site and the happiness shown by her friends.

As I am new to posting to blogs, and have always found it difficult in discussing intimate feelings. So when speaking of Chase, all I want is the world to know how crazy in love with every aspect of this special woman and the words just come naturally. Chase’s communication with you guys is very important to her, so it is important to me and this will not be the last time you hear from me.

Again, “Thank You” for your support and in sharing our happiness. We are truly blessed in so many ways!

“T”

Sunday, Sunday

2007-10-28T15:15:00.000-04:00

Having a nice weekend, can't believe it's Sunday already though...it has flown by.

Spent a lot of time with Tim, though it's never enough. He really makes me laugh...so much so that i often notice my cheeks are hurting....gotta love a guy who can make you hurt in wonderful ways like that.

Today i had to venture out and get some shopping done. My sister was in the mood to make a big pot of spaghetti and meatballs and so off to the store i went. Originally she was going to come with me but she is really not feeling well today (but you'd never know it, the woman never stops). It is a good thing she didn't come...i tell her all of the time that she isn't much fun to shop with because she is always questioning me, do we really need this, do we really need that...you get the picture...no fun at all to a grocery shopaholic like me.

I had a budget that i had to stick to today so i did not go down every aisle...which sort of makes me feel cheated on my expedition...i like to leave no stone unturned...but i was on a mission, i had to stick to my budget (which is seriously no fun). As i was shopping, Tim was texting me and i had so much fun walking around the store, replying to his messages. I'm sure i was positively beaming doing so...and boy i really enjoy my blackberry.

When i got home in the taxi, my sister met me at the door and helped me get everything upstairs...i was so happy to be back home. When i got to the hallway outside our door, something smelled soooooo yummy. It was the sauce, she had started it while i was out and i can hardly wait for dinner, I haven't eaten too much in the last few days and i intend on making up for it tonight with a giant bowl of spaghetti, mmmmm!

Tonight i will get the dishes done...then just relax, hopefully with Tim. Might watch a bit of tv with my mom and sister first though. Sunday nights there isn't much on that the three of us really enjoy together. I enjoy watching Desperate Housewives but they don't care for it....i used to watch Brothers and Sisters too but i haven't seen it yet this season. I'll be able to catch up one day i'm sure, there are always reruns to look forward to.

Tim is having computer issues and so we haven't played much on Pogo today. I miss that time that we spend together playing...it's so fun...so hopefully he'll get it sorted out soon so that we can have some late night fun playing backgammon...or spades...or some other new game.

Tomorrow i have my appointment for catscan....and i also have to take my mother to see her lung specialist as a follow up to her stay in the emergency room. Hopefully all will be well and he will put her mind at ease at to whether or not her lungs are worsening...keep your fingers crossed for us, please.

Will be over to check out your blogs in a while...miss reading them.

Mother

2007-10-26T20:51:00.000-04:00

Had been on a bit of a high since yesterday...thank you all for your best wishes, it means so much to me, to us.

Went for an MRi this morning, one test down, one to go. Had bloodwork done while i was out too. I nearly forgot to do that...thankfully i saw someone else with their requisition form and it reminded me...good thing mine was in my bag.

Today though, has been a rough day with mother. She's been causing some drama all day and i'm really down because of it...so much for the high. She often has that way of bursting my bubble.

Okay so in fairness to my mother, i have been spending a lot of time with Tim....and i know she feels neglected. I am really trying to please everyone but what's happening is i am left feeling miserable because i'm not pleasing anyone (it seems) but i want to spend as much time as i can with him.

Sister came home from work early today because she was not feeling well. She intended on laying down but that was quickly changed when mother began the drama. S was so upset she was crying...she is beside herself too as to what to do with our mother. Mother is so difficult and often causes this upset and then says she doesn't mean to. Okay... then please let it stop happening. It's not good for any of us...but somehow it just keeps on...somehow.

So today mother came close to officially inquiring about placement at a nursing home. Secretly (or not so) i want her to go. I feel like i've been doing this for four years and i can't do it anymore...not like i used to..not with the patience and caring that i once had. Too much has happened, too much has been said, too many snide comments have built up my resentment toward her. Too many insults have hardened my heart. I feel terrible and it's hard to admit but it's all true...i feel like i can't do this anymore, i don't want to. She changed her mind because my sister said we'd all have to pull together to get 'it' done. To look after her. Sigh. Almost.

I have such guilt...it is eating away at me. I want it to stop, God help me, i want it to stop.

Chasing Chase - By Tim

2007-10-25T03:37:00.000-04:00

Where to begin…” Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely.” As I spent my adult life unbalanced by the pursuit of a successful career and going at a very fast pace, the spring of 2007 a solid oak tree got in my way and changed my life. As I began a long painful recovery process I found myself alone during those sleepless nights and was longing for friendship and conversation, but I was wasn’t ready to discuss my issues with just anyone.

It was late summer when I made contact with a friendly Canadian that seemed be going through some rough times and we had some common ground, I was able to work up the courage to contact her. As she immediately responded, we began to talk and were drawn to each other. Not only were we dealing with some medical issues, it felt like something had drawn us together and we had known each other for years.

Immediately we began to spend hours upon hours talking with each other and finding Chase a beautiful person not only on the outside, but she was compassionate, caring, and had a rare strength that I was attracted to but dare not reveal my feelings thinking I was crossing some boundary. As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, our conversations reminded us of the sitcom Seinfeld “the show about nothing.” Meaning we discussed everything from coke or pepsi, favorite soup/ which ones we put crackers in, to lousy relationships, to serious medical conditions, no stone was unturned. The only time we didn’t talk was to sleep a few hours a day, but these Q&A conversations no matter how small were not about “nothing”, but about the attraction, growth and acceleration of our love for each other.

As there is a debate on who said “ I love you” first, words were never really needed. Finding out that Chase felt as strong about me as I about her is priceless. As I never let anyone get totally close to me in fear of being hurt, Chase has full reign over me as I have with her. Our love is growing stronger and stronger everyday.

“Serendipity”… as I was looking for just casual conversation and friendship I happened upon the love of my life, or was this not an accident. So looking at my accident as a glass half full, thank you oak tree for slowing me down just long enough to bring Chase into my life.

As you might think this is the end of the story, it is actually only the beginning. I ask Chase to marry me, Chase said yes without a glimmer of hesitation. As we begin our journey as husband and wife, we will laugh, cry, and love. Knowing we have some difficult road bumps in our path ahead, those endless nights of talking (as we still do) has made our biggest strength communication and we can deal with anything and everything.

So as I reflect on our story of me “Chasing Chase”, I now ask myself was I chasing her or was it the other way around. However, whomever or whatever brought us together we are now on the same path headed in the same direction side-by-side and that is what matters most.

“T”

An introduction... Tim

2007-10-25T02:51:00.000-04:00

In my last post i mentioned the happiness going on in my life, despite the sadness and craziness of my life there is profound joy because he is present. I have mentioned T...or Tim...in my posts but have been somewhat protective of our blossoming relationship....but i am crazy about this man....literally crazy about him. I've never felt a connection to another human being such as this....and so it is with great pleasure that i allow him to post the following on my blog...about us, in his words. You'll get a glimpse of the man and i hope, see some of what i have discovered in him.

I hope you will share in our happiness...and as always, your comments are welcome.

Wednesday

2007-10-24T12:48:00.000-04:00

My apologies for not writing sooner, it has been somewhat hectic around here since the accident and then my mother was rushed to hospital Friday, having difficulty breathing and chest pains. She was in over the weekend, came home Monday and is thankfully fine. She has pneumonia but is (i hope) on the mend.

Dinner tonight is going to be omelettes and sausages. I had planned on making a stew with ground beef but my sister emailed from work and suggested the other and i thought it sounded quite yummy...i don't remember the last time i had some eggs and for dinner is a treat. Now i can hardly wait....but i'll have to. When she gets home tonight we are going to Walmart to pick up a few things...the usual type things that i get there, paper products, etc.

Some of you were wondering what was in the parcel that was on my lap during the accident. It was a Sony playstation for my mother. She's been wanting a game system on which she could play Tetris....and one day T found a system online, used...with an extra controller and game for less than $100US. T so thoughtfully purchased the system and sent it to me for my mother. We have yet to play it but i owe that parcel and T a lot.

I am in a lot of pain today...it has been this way for days. I just spoke to my doctors office and they are sending me some more pain medication...morphine. The pain, at times, is unbearable and i wonder how i'll be able to make it through the next day...hours...minutes...seconds... but of course i do because i am a fighter and there is no other option. I find my neck and shoulders so tight because i'm stressing....and even my jaw, which i find myself clenching, is aching and sore. Ahh well...such is life at the moment.

There are some wonderful things going on in my personal life at the moment...things i'm not quite ready to talk about yet....but i feel happy...and i need that right now...so i'm hanging on to that thought.

On my way to read your blogs...it's been ages.

My lucky day

2007-10-18T23:35:00.000-04:00

I finally have my appointments scheduled. Friday October 26th at 9.am i have my MRi and on Monday October 29th at 2.30.pm i have the catscan or is it ct scan (now i can't remember, are they the same thing, grrrr?) Bloodwork i can have whenever i am ready so i will go get that done asap. Yessss, finally some tangible dates.

Wednesday the 17th was a day i won't soon forget. I meant to blog about it yesterday but time slipped away..you'll understand why when i tell you.

Yesterday morning my nephew agreed to drive me to the postal outlet nearby to pick up a parcel. Apparently i'd missed one being delivered (darn!) and so off we went. Made it there safely and then we were on our way to run another errand that he wanted to run. We were driving along, happily talking away (my parcel on my lap) when we crossed through an intersection and bam! out of nowhere a car ran a red light and plowed into us, on my side. Ouch. We spun around and ended up paralell to the guy who had hit us. He spun too and hit a metal light pole....his car was smoking as we came to a stop. I think i was in shock...i couldn't believe what had just happened. I looked at my nephew and he was grimacing in pain. The impact had caused him some problems and me to tense up and grind my teeth. My teeth felt gritty, there were tiny chips. It wasn't long before people ran up to us, to ask if we were okay. I felt okay but Michael was in pain. He has a pre-existing back problem and the jarring had really done a number on him...his right side was numb. I was scared and shaken. People were suggesting i get out of the car but i stayed in, keeping him company. I was scared...i've never been in an accident before. Witnesses were saying they saw him (the other driver) run the red light. His air bags had gone off and i could see him from where i was seated, he seemed dazed. Our air bags didn't go off and what's worse, i was not wearing my seatbelt. When the impact happened, aside from grinding my teeth, i had been propelled forward, into the parcel on my lap. I think it prevented me from hitting my head on the window. Neither of us were cut or bruised. Thank God. We were very fortunate.

When the police, fire and paramedics arrived, it was sort of organized mayhem. I was fine i said, asked them to please look after Michael. He was asked questions then a fireman climbed behind him in the card to stabilize his neck. I was so scared for him. They soon moved him from the car, onto a backboard and into the waiting ambulance and whisked him away. I gave my statement to the police but declined treatment, mother was home alone and she'd be terribly worried if i didn't return home and soon. I explained this to people and said i had to go. I signed a release and then called a taxi to take me home. Everyone was being very nice and supportive. When the taxi driver arrived, he helped me from the scene into his waiting car and off we went home. When we got home i fell apart. I told mother what had happened and started to cry. I was a nervous wreck...realizing what could have happened. I was also worried sick about Michael. At the scene i had called his father and he was to meet him at the emergency room. He called when i got home to make sure i'd arrived safely. He was going to call my sister at work and tell her about the accident. I was sure my sister would be worried sick ....and she was.

Spent the evening in shock still. M got home from the emergency later in the evening...we ordered in some dinner and just relaxed.

I am so thankful things weren't worse then they are. Tim i don't know how you've gotten through what you have but i admire your strength. He was in a life threatening crash some months ago and is still on the mend. I look forward to meeting he and his family this American thanksgiving....but that's a whole other story.

My appointment

2007-10-15T23:30:00.001-04:00

No news, is it good news?

Well i suppose so. The doctor, who is very nice and supportive, wants more up to date tests, so they are sending me for those. Grrrr, wish he had thought of that prior to this appointment. I felt i had so much invested in this appointment and i just felt like my balloon has been burst.

Okay so i just have to go for more tests...so there is a glimmer of hope still, i mean i'm thinking he wouldn't be sending me for tests otherwise.

He did refer to us as 'we'...as in let's see if we can get 'this' done.

Fingers crossed they call soon so i can get the tests over with and the results back so that i can move forward...i feel stuck. I just want to find out if he will treat me and then get on with things.

I know i feel so much better not having the treatments...but i need the treatments for a chance at life and i want that chance. Just a chance, that's all.

Nerves

2007-10-15T15:15:00.000-04:00

Leaving very shortly for my appointment. I am a bundle of nerves. I had some pizza for lunch not long ago and i really wish i hadn't. I just want to get there and so i think i'll go early.

Wish me luck...

Just rambling...

2007-10-13T17:44:00.000-04:00

Brrr, it is chilly...and i love it. I love this time of year....and it's promise of winter to come. Two nights ago i heard the weather guy say that we actually had a windchill factor, making it -2. Wooohoo...i got so happy. I can't wait to see the first snow fall. If i can, i'll go out walking in it.

Yesterday my camera arrived. It's so small and i'll have to learn how to use it. Thing is, i am lousy at reading and understanding instructions...so i'll have to figure it out on my own, with some guidance from the manual. I think i have taken two photos but i'm not sure...when i figure something out i'll see if any are suitable for posting...that is my hope anyway.

The other night, T and i did find a suitable telephone for me. Okay so it was expensive but it was exactly what i wanted. You see, we don't subscribe to our phone company's answer service. Yes i wish we did but the bill is in my sisters name and she just plain refuses to pay a monthly fee for it. So this is my solution...because we get lots of calls that really should be able to leave a message when we can't get to the phone. I am hoping it will arrive early this week. I look forward to setting it up and playing with it.

Mother isn't speaking to me today. Last night we had a bit of an argument because she was trying to tell me what i should or should not be buying. I didn't appreciate her input and told her so. She wouldn't dare say the things she says to me to my sisters. She wouldn't begin to ...yet she does it with me. I don't understand it. So i told her to mind her own business. I had to be firm. I could appreciate it if i thought it was just her caring about me, but it's not that...she just feels she has the right to with me that she clearly doesnt have with them. So it's been a quiet day, motherwise. No requests for this or that. No bath. No meals...she asked my sister for things. I look at it as a day off. I'm entitled to one every now and again....right...if only it were guilt free.

Tomorrow i want to go to Walmart...i have a bunch of things i want/need to pick up. I thought of asking my sister to come with me but i think i will go by myself.

Well..it's almost time for me to cook dinner...so i should head off and then go read your blogs before i have to go....i wonder what you've been up to?

Thursday

2007-10-11T14:12:00.000-04:00

I am freezing today..i feel like i can't get warm. It is Thursday already...time is dragging until Monday but it also flies, isn't that crazy. I feel as if i am stuck in a time warp.

I spent a great deal of time this past night and day talking to T about some very difficult things...it has my mind racing, my stomach churning and my heart aching.

Early this morning i finally ordered a camera. I have to say i am really looking forward to it. It should arrive in a few days...and then i can get snapping.

Sick today, very sick...probably just nerves but Gravol isn't helping yet and neither is my trusty standby Alka Seltzer. I just took some of my mothers Pantoloc...at this point i will try anything. I feel very weak and so tired.

I have been looking online for a phone with an answering machine built in (yes more shopping and yes for more gadgets)...i am not having much luck finding one so i'll wait for T to help me look. He is so good at finding things for me to buy and not for him, for me!

More stuff

2007-10-10T17:08:00.000-04:00

The last few days have been full of pain and discomfort and vomiting. I had to call my doctor who increased the dosage of morphine and steroids that he prescribed me. I hope it helps soon...i am counting on it.

I am looking at a new digital camera. No, i am not a person that normally goes around taking photos normally, i just thought it would be fun to have, to have the option. I am also looking at doing some traveling soon and would love one for that purpose. The camera i am looking at is a Sony Cyber-Shot. Since i don't know much about cameras, i am just really hoping the fact that it is a Sony product means it is a good thing. I think if i get it, it will be fun to have.

Well, Monday is drawing nearer. It will be nerve wrecking that day because my appointment isn't until 4.15pm. Whenever possible i like to get my appointments first thing in the morning, to get it over with....if only.

Mother

2007-10-07T08:18:00.000-04:00

Saturday was an okay day. I slept off and on...then went to the grocery store, mainly for junk food...i am not kidding. I bought chips and pop and frozen pizza and caramel cakes, etc. Okay...so not all for me but still...a small fortune on all of it. Crazy, crazy as T would say.

I'm still having headaches though not quite as bad, perhaps the steroids are helping. I hope they are...here i am still anyway.

I spent quite a bit of time with T on Saturday night, on the phone and playing some cards. I was humiliated at one point because mother was upset with me and lashed out and T overheard. It's embarassing to be treated the way mother treats me in front of someone, in front of a man. You see...earlier in the evening as i was preparing to lay down for a nap, she asked to watch a tape. I tape things during the week to be watched on the weekend, when there is very little on. When she asked to watch it, i said no...as i was going to bed. Fast forward to me on the phone with T. I asked her, nicely, if she wanted to watch the tape. She responded by saying i was selfish....that i only let her watch it when i am good and ready. I said well i needed to sleep, she said "you always need to sleep...just don't forget one of these times you might not wake up". I said thanks for the reminder and began to cry. I couldn't believe she'd said it....and in front of T. Cruel and cold. I was upset for the rest of the evening really. She doesn't realize (or doesn't care) how her words cut me, hurt me, damage me. I am tired of them...tired of her. So tired. I just want to leave, i want to get away. All i can think is i want to get away for a few days. Maybe i'll splurge and take myself to a hotel for a few days. Anything to get away...anything.

Why do i let her get to me...i don't know. I wish she didn't...would make life easier.

We are having our Thanksgiving dinner here today. I have to make the stuffing...a sausage stuffing that usually is quite yummy. My heart is just not in it right now but i will make the effort, of course.

Happy Thanksgving to all of my Canadian friends...

An update

2007-10-04T16:07:00.000-04:00

I've been having some very painful headaches and some problems with my eyes. I finally called my doctor and he insisted i see him. He then sent me for a cat scan and it revealed i have some swelling in my brain. Not good. He has put me on steroids to hopefully reduce the swelling...if not i will be admitted (not sure what they'd do then)

I am worried and scared...but trying to remain positive (not my strong suit)

It is Thanksgiving here in Canada this weekend....i am thankful that i am still here...so far.

Stuff

2007-10-04T00:52:00.000-04:00

Yesterday i finally received my brand new laptop. It is a Sony Vaio and i am very pleased with it. It is much larger than i thought it would be and to be honest i am having some buyers remorse, thinking why on earth did i buy it...but i really am happy with it and look forward to getting used to how to work it...this whole scroll thing is giving me some trouble, i must be terribly uncoordinated...anyone have any tips?

Today was a bit of a confusing day....i've been wanting a Blackberry too, for quite some time and decided to treat myself to one of those too (if i don't, who will, right?) and so i headed over to the shop with my sister in tow. Thankfully the store wasn't as busy as it often is and it didn't take me long to pick out the model i wanted. I didn't want the newest model out as it had features i didn't want or need...so i got this one. It will take me a while to get used to ....but i love it so far.

So, back to my laptop. I didn't have it set up for the wireless internet...i needed my friend Rich to come over and do it. He is a Godsend. He came after work, didn't arrive until almost 8pm and so we all had a late dinner tonight. I made knackwurst, saurkraut, fried potatoes, pierogies and corn. It was quite good, especially since i was starving by the time he got here. We ate and talked and then i did dishes as he began work on the wireless stuff. It took him no time at all to set it up, the smarty pants that he is. He tried to install MSN Premium, which i use on my desktop but the version that i have was not compatible with Windows Vista....so Sympatico is shipping one out to me. I hope it gets here soon..though i'll be on my own to install it as Rich's girlfriend is heading here to Canada for a month.

Her name is Rainie and she was born in Ireland but lives in the States. She is travelling by train and will arrive here in the city on Friday night. Rich is very much looking forward to meeting her...and she him i bet. I am hoping to have them both over for dinner so i can meet the new woman in my best friends life.

It has been a busy few days for my credit card too, in fact so busy...when i called to make a payment on my cell phone, my card was declined. Odd, i thought...should be tons of available credit on that card...so i called Visa and asked what was happening. Apparently there had been so much online and phone activity on the card that they'd placed a block on my card until i could verify that it was me using it. I have been using it a lot these days...along with my computer and Blackberry i have ordered a few hundred dollars worth of new clothes online too. I never get out to the mall and besides i hate clothes shopping...so online shopping was the perfect answer. I haven't bought myself much of anything for a long while...i suppose it feels good to treat myself for once, i am so busy doing for others most of the time. I can hardly wait until the clothes come too.

Well, enough about me, i am heading to your blogs to read about you....see you there.

An award

2007-10-02T08:50:00.000-04:00

Julian gave me this award....apparently some time ago. Sorry for not accepting it sooner, thank you for thinking of me.

The rule for awarding this is simple...please award to someone deserving...anyone that gyrates a bodacious blog or persona for you. Choose one and off you go.

I hereby award this to the following people....check out their blogs, you'll see why.

Saturday evening

2007-09-29T19:27:00.000-04:00

Having a sad night. It is 7.30 and i've yet to make dinner yet but will have to do so soon. Just making some minute steaks, potatoes and not sure what vegetable, probably corn. Boring...but i don't feel like going to too much trouble.

I've had a lazy day...slept most of it off and on...zero energy. I have been taking my vitamins and trying to eat, though i still dont have too much of an appetite most days. Having said that, last night we ordered in some chicken and ribs, only i had chicken on a kaiser with some fries and coleslaw...and i ate every last bit of it. Also, i wanted one of their hamburgers...so i ordered one of those too...and ate that at 6am this morning. I guess that's why i'm not hungry?

I am thinking of buying a laptop. Do i need one. No. I just want one. Will be able to lie in bed and log on...i think that will be a good thing. I might change my mind though. We shall see.

Well i better go fold laundry. Nephew did four loads for me tonight but i have to fold and put it away, small price to pay.

Then will make dinner...come back and read your blogs...i wonder what you've all been up to...

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y

2007-09-29T03:29:00.000-04:00

Boy has it been a strange few days.

Thursday was a bit of a busy day. My sister, her new husband and her daughter from her previous marriage, were coming for a visit. Which meant i had to go shopping to get some food and drinks in to serve. I hadn't slept much the night prior, so i was running on empty and by the time i got to the grocery store, i really felt it. I picked up a bunch of stuff and on the way home stopped in a local bakery to pick up some sweet things, such as butter tarts and turnovers to put out with tea. I was exhausted by the time i got home and got most of it put away...in fact i wasn't quite done putting it away when the three of them arrived. My sister looks so good, happy, healthy...my niece, with her new glasses, looks hip and very chic. She is turning 17 this weekend, where has the time gone. I used to babysit her and her older brother, who is 22 now...just the thoughts of it makes me feel old. Anyway...the three of them sat with mother in the living room to visit. It was she they'd really come to see...my mother had called, turned on the water works...hence their visit.....so anyway i made myself scarce. I slipped into my bedroom and to my computer and tried to catch up on some email.

It wasn't long before my sister came down to see how i was doing. We talked a bit about things to do with me, we both cried...but i asked her to please change the subject. I offered them all some refreshments. They didn't want anything (sigh!) as they'd just had a late lunch. Mother had already eaten and she didn't want anything either (ugh, all of that food i bought for nothing..cold meat, buns, cheese, sweets)...so i retreated back into my bedroom to give them some more time.

Sister and her husband came back to see me and to show me some photos of their honeymoon cruise. They had some lovely photos and raved about everything. It was a nice chat and it was good to see them. While here, my niece came out to my mother. She took it surprisingly well, all t hings considered because my mother tends to overreact. Anyway...it wasn't a surprise to me because some weeks earlier i had heard it through the grapevine. My sister and i discussed it and decided it was not our news to tell, so we let it happen as it did, with it coming from Rach herself.

After they left mother and i had a nap because my friend was coming over after workd to order in some dinner (his treat) and to watch a movie. I fell asleep for a little while but not for long...lately i find myself not sleeping for long, as if i don't want to miss a thing and won't allow myself to sleep. Having said that, i am tired all of the time and want to sleep but just can't.

He arrived just after 8pm. I had been on the phone chatting with another friend and did not hear the buzzer go (it is not very loud)...then apparently he tried to call but the line was engaged and so he texted me, thank goodness for texts.

We had a nice visit, ordered in a ton of Chinese food, you name it, we ordered it. I think we were both starving when we ordered because we ordered far too much...almost $100 later, we were happily eating and watching some tv. We decided against a movie...and so we munched away, watched the tv and talked. It was fun. He is a fun guy to be with. After we ate he offered to give me a massage...and man did i need that. I was so tense and sore. It felt good and we joked around and watched Grey's Anatomy. It was a good episode...but at 10pm a new show called Big Shots came on. We decided to watch that (he was still rubbing, i'm spoiled) and we really enjoyed it...it's worth a look if you see it on next week.

When that was over at 11pm we sat and talked...an interesting talk...but i was tired and began to fall asleep. He took that as his cue and decided to leave. I packed up all of the food for him to take home with him. I insisted, he did pay for it after all...but i tell you after he left..a couple of hours later, mother was craving some. Ooops, sorry mom!

Friday i guess wasn't so busy. I had planned on going out to get a laptop. My nephew was to drive me. He disappeared for a couple of hours in the morning so i decided to nap. I hadn't slept the night before. When i woke up at one point he was here, getting mother some water...so i fell back asleep. When i woke up, hoping to go, he was gone. I got myself ready to go just in case and he didnt return until almost 9pm. Grrr! I was disappointed.

I tried to make the purchase over the phone at the store where my friend works, but they need the card to swipe, so he suggested i go to their website. Well...as i talked to my friend Tim in the US, he loaded up the page and went through them with me. I had no idea what i wanted...it was all too much to take in. We left it and continued our chat and we'll go back and look tomorrow.

Babzy and some other of you have inquired as to whether or not i have told my mother and sister yet. I have...it was very difficult but i did it. They were both upset. My mother cried, my sister did not (she is one tough cookie) We didn't talk much about it and my mother hasnt mentioned it again except to ask when the appointment is with the other oncologist.

So that is where we are. We don't talk about a lot of things in my family...i did not expect it to be any better with this issue. I am finding no one really wants to talk about it so i don't...and now it's really as if it's not happening..is it real, you bet it is.

Well that's me caught up for now. I still haven't decided on what to do about my blog...but i will keep you posted.

Your thoughts, please.

2007-09-28T18:24:00.000-04:00

I am back. I have not been feeling comfortable blogging here lately because Carlo/Jon gave my blog address to his woman and together the two of them were reading it. He told me at one point they were laughing so hard they were crying at what i'd been blogging about...that really hurt.

So i haven't been here in some time, been avoiding it actually...but reading all of your comments as soon as i check my email and loving them, i hope you won't stop coming and i promise to give you more to read.

My question to you is...should i move my blog and get you all (that are interested) in emailing me for the new address or should i stand my ground and keep blogging here?

I'd love to hear your feedback.

Regarding Jon aka Carlo

2007-09-24T19:11:00.000-04:00

He left me a hurtful message under the 'Words' post, if you all want to read what i am responding to.

It won't be the last time he invades my sanctuary, i know this. But i can't keep on deleting them. I can't be at my computer all of the time so get ready for some ugly messages. He sends them to my phone. He is spiteful and trying to hurt and succeeding grandly.

I am a sensitive woman and i am dying and i don't need this from anyone. If he persists I will have to shut down my blog and i'll never trust someone i thought i loved and cared about again.

I am just a lonely, scared woman who was looking for love. As he said, i am pathetic. I tried to buy someone with money to be with me while i go through the process of dying. I am a sad human being.

I hope you all will forgive all of this, i don't need my dirty laundry aired out in public like this but i felt you deserved an explanation.

Jon aka Carlo

2007-09-24T18:59:00.000-04:00

I was vulnerable and thought i'd fallen in love. I offered to send him some money, to pay off his bills. We talked about him coming to see me, i would have to send money for that too. I thought he was wonderful. I thought he cared but he has been cruel and hurtful and just recently told me he has a woman in the states ("Jon" is Australian) and he would be with me until i died then go be with her. So it would have been a waiting game for poor "Jon" to go be with the woman he really loved. Apparently they had it planned.

I will keep my money and donate it appropriately.

Readers, i am sure you will hear more from "Jon"...he is angry that i didn't send him the money.

His true colours are shown.

I am hurt, i thought he loved and cared about me. I was wrong and i don't need to deal with all of this and now he has invaded my sanctuary.

I had to let you know. I apologize for the intrusion. I am not well, given the circumstances.

I don't like to be lied to or mislead. And i don't need a man who is biding his time until i die.

Words

2007-09-20T08:22:00.000-04:00

I am beginning to really feel myself again but i still feel numb. I keep using that word but it's the only one that seems to describe it for me.

Wednesday was a busy day here and i found it really kept my mind off of things. My sister is getting ready to go on vacation and so we had to do laundry. I started the laundry just before she got home and she took over when she got home from the mall. We did 7 loads of laundry and still there are two more loads for me to do today. Normally i'd be wondering where it all came from but this time i know. My sister switched her closet to fall/winter clothing and it all had to be 'refreshed'.

I must confess that i am finding it difficult to go through the everyday, mundane things of life. I keep feeling i should be out there, living some adventure filled life but that is just not me. Recently, someone i thought was my friend, encouraged me to make a list of 20 things i wanted to do. I had a hard time compiling the list... i think i made it to 13. I did not aspire to climb Mount Everest....but i did wish to skydive. Would i ever really do that, probably not... i am a chicken after all. I deleted the list last night. I can't live my life for a list of things to do, i have to live my life, day by day...making even the littlest of things count.

I've been getting lots of phone calls, emails and text messages from friends. Kind words, some sage advice and many laughs later i am coming around to the old me. Thank you all again for the e-cards, comments and kind words and prayers that you've been sending my way. I am buoyed by you and i can't ever thank you enough.

Now i am off to read your blogs, it's been forever since i have. See you there...

2007-09-18T02:28:00.000-04:00

I want you to know how very much i appreciate all of the messages you've been sending me. Each time i check my email, there seems to be another, sometimes from someone i've never met before, have stopped by, thanks to you, to give me their thoughts and their prayers. Totally unbelievable to me.

I must say today i am beginning to feel myself, beginning to feel the fighting spirit arise again. I am not ready to die. I called my oncologists office and asked for a referral to another doctor, a second opinion. I expect a call tomorrow...i will be sitting by the phone on pins and needles.

Life, as they say, goes on...and i've been going through the motions. Went grocery shopping on the weekend and it felt as if everything was moving in slow-motion...it was weird, i felt like i didn't belong....everyone was going about their business and no one saw me, no one acknowledged me...at least that's how i felt. My sister was with me and kept talking to me and i couldn't focus...i hear people talking now but their words just don't register with me.

I sat this afternoon and had a conversation with my mother and when we were done, i didn't have a clue what we'd just talked about. I still don't.

Tonight, after i made dinner and ate (at least i have an appetite again) then did the dishes, i had to lay down. So, sister was on my computer and mother and i both laid on the bed to watch tv. It wasn't long before i was falling asleep...but not into a deep sleep, the kind where you still hear things going on around you. Where voices are heard and understood. The voices were of mother and sister, talking...discussing me. I was here but wasn't here. I've been moody lately, crying and even sometimes angry and lashing out (the gammut of emotions) They don't know what is going on with me. I have told you, my online friends but not them. I'm not ready for the drama. My mother will overreact. She will be worried about what will happen to her. I can't deal with that right now. I have to be selfish and think about myself.

This is all about me right now...it is the way it has to be.

My sincerest thanks

2007-09-16T22:50:00.000-04:00

I am having trouble coming to grips with things still but i am deeply touched and moved by the outpouring of love, prayers and comments, thank you all so very much.

I will be back later to say some more...

News

2007-09-15T03:56:00.000-04:00

I am numb...i am shell shocked. I hardly know what to say...so i will tell you without much to-do. My tumour has not been responding to treatment. My doctor feels he can no longer help me, so he has sent me home to get my affairs in order. According to him i have six months.

Forgive me for not saying more. All i can do is cry and i can barely move to type.

I will be back. I hope you will be too.

Friday nerves part deux

2007-09-14T06:09:00.000-04:00

Just after 6am and i just cannot sleep. Have i tried...well hours ago i did but i just know i will not be able to sleep. So here i sit. A friend is on MSN so i am chatting with him, thank goodness he is here...or i'd be losing my mind. Another friend just logged into iCQ...oh thank goodness, the more the merrier right now.

Everyone is awake here right now. Sister getting ready for work...nephew wandering about, mother has nodded off and on but been awake with me most of the night. We are all going about our own business just as we normally do. Lonely place here, no wonder i seek solace online, with my online friends.

Friday nerves

2007-09-13T23:59:00.000-04:00

Have spent the better part of the evening on pins and needles. Watched Big Brother at 8pm. It is winding down to the finale and it barely kept my attention. Afterwards, out of sheer anxiety i cleaned the stove and bleached all of our mugs to get the tea stains out of them.

Afterwards, a friend called and invited me to play some online cribbage, we played a few games but my mind just want not on it. Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

My appointment is at 9am and i am so thankful for that. It was originally scheduled for 3pm but someone canceled and they booked me in to that time slot. I would have been frantic to have to wait until 3pm...so i really lucked out.

I have a bad feeling about tomorrow...or perhaps its just all of t he bad dreams i've been having about death and dying. I'm just not ready to go, i'm just not. Yes i'm tired of the battle but i haven't given up and i won't give in. I've come this far....i want to see it to the end.

I want to thank you all for your prayers and best wishes...and i want to apologize for not getting right on responding to your comments. I hope you don't think it rude of me to admit my mind has just been elsewhere...and i have just been lost in thought.

I am going to take a look at your blogs now, it's been a while since i've done that. I've been meaning to...but you know, time slips away me sometimes. See you there.

Jamie

2007-09-13T10:22:00.000-04:00

Is it Thursday already? I can hard believe it....it was months ago i began the leg of this journey and here i am today, my last day. It will hopefully go by quickly...i am very tired.

I am going to read all of your blogs today...i have to catch up, it has been a few days. I have also fallen behind in replying to your comments, forgive me... my mind has been elsewhere.

Well my alarm is going off, time for me to leave...i set it because sometimes time slips away...just as it always does.

Tuesday

2007-09-11T10:23:00.000-04:00

It looks like a beautiful day outside, i can't wait to get out there and breathe in some fresh air. We have the ac units running (keeping mother happy) and it is nice and cool in here but i feel like i can't breathe.

Mother is in moderately good spirits, which always makes for a better day.

As i type this, Kathy Griffin is on the Ellen Degeneres show. I really like her and i'm a fan of her show (well, both of them, but i mean Kathy) She just won an Emmy, i think for her show, My Life on the D-List. Very funny show, very funny lady.

I just noticed the time...i had better run or i'll be late. I can't wait to get outside... i hope you get outside for a breath of fresh air...if only for a little while.

Monday, Monday

2007-09-10T08:59:00.000-04:00

It has been one terrible weekend for me.

My mother and sister have had two arguments. The one last night was about the fact that my sister had the air conditioning unit removed from the living room window. With the air so heavy, mother was finding it difficult to breathe and she began to panic and they were both yelling and screaming at each other....it was awful. I managed to get my mother calmed down. She could barely speak, the two of them had been shouting so loudly. When i got her calmed down, she asked me to go ask my sister if she could get the ac unit put back in. SHe was not happy when i asked her and i shant repeat what she said verbatim but in essence she said yes. So she went to talk to her son, who had taken it out in the first place. He was in the bedroom, watching tv. She came back out and said yes he would but he'd do it sometime Monday. When i went back and told mother, she began to panic again and said she couldn't wait until this, could i ask him to please do it right then. With some trepidation i agreed i'd ask (my nephew can be moody, to say the least)...and as i was on my way out the door, my mother spoke up and decided to sweeten the deal by offering cash and pain medication for his troubles. When i told him, he jumped at it and before we knew it, he was up, re-installing the unit. It didn't take him long and my sister turned it on straight away, mother was relieved, as was i. My sister doesn't realize the full impact of the damage to mothers lungs...and as a current smoker, she had better learn...because God forbid she get into this situation.

A while after it was in, my mother calmed down fully and not long after, fell asleep. I felt so bad for both of them but in particular for my mother...it must be horrible not to breathe or get her breath...no wonder she panics.

They had another argument the other day, Thursday night i think...because my sister threw something in the garbage that my mother had planned on eating. My sister does jump the gun sometimes when it comes to throwing food out. We rarely keep leftovers which would make good meals for mother for lunch, but my sister doesn't like having the food hanging around. A bit weird and my mother gets upset because she is from a different era...and grew up in a family of 12 kids and food was scarce. Understandable.

Other than that, i slept the weekend away and i do mean that literally. For example, Saturday night i went to bed at 11pm...and awoke Sunday morning at 11am. I was up and out of bed for an hour and a half and then i was back in bed until 4.30pm...of course i haven't slept since and have to go for my treatment in an hour. I will be fine but will sleep for sure this afternoon.

Will post more later, my thoughts are all over the place. Last week for my treatment, excited but scared to find out what, if anything, happens next.

I hope you all had a great weekend...i will catch up with your blogs tonight.

A special award

2007-09-06T02:39:00.000-04:00

I had better get to sleep...but before i leave, Her Indoors has graciously awarded me this award. It means a lot to me that someone would recognize me for such a special award...so thank you Her Indoors, for thinking of me.

Early Thursday morning

2007-09-06T01:22:00.000-04:00

I have had a terrible couple of days, in particular today (Wednesday). I spent most of the time i've been home in bed or running to the bathroom. Oh i think sometimes, were there room, that i should just move my bed right in there.

I didn't get anything done today, no shopping, no laundry...again. Well there is always tomorrow or Friday. This week my treatment goes right through to Friday because i had Monday off, so only a two day weekend. I can't complain, it sure was wonderful having four days off this past weekend.

Looks like tomorrow will be a busy day for me. My mother wants to go get her hair done and assuming i can get her an appointment when i call first thing in the morning, we'll be going there after my treatment. After that, a friend wants to come over to visit and bring some dinner. While i'd like to see him and appreciate the offer, i don't know i could eat it, it tends to be spicy food...so if he is to come, i'll probably just cook for everyone. If he does come, i may see if he'd assist me in some shopping, so we might make a quick trip to Walmart and all of this assuming i am well enough. Frequently i have to change my plans and friends just haven't understood that...so many no longer call. I suppose i understand but it hurts just the same.

Wednesday morning

2007-09-05T10:23:00.000-04:00

I am tired today...so very tired. My own fault, i was up late into the night but i just couldn't sleep. I wanted to get up at 9am today but when it rolled around, i just couldn't do it.

I have things to do today, so i am hoping after my treatment, that i will feel well enough. Just the usual things, laundry and shopping. I just don't have it in me today though. Really what i want to do is crawl back into bed, pull the blankets over my head and hide away from the world, from reality for just a little while.

But i can't...so i better buck up and get the show on the road.

I will be back...

An award

2007-09-04T09:58:00.000-04:00

Kshippychic gave me this award, thank you so much for thinking of me. In return i would like to give this award to Cheryl...i love to read her blog, if you get the chance, stop by...you won't be sorry.

A new blog

2007-09-03T10:03:00.000-04:00

My friend has a new blog, Life in the Slow Lane, please go over and check it out and say hello.
He is just getting going and i'm sure he is just bored of my comments. = )

Slumbering Sunday

2007-09-02T22:21:00.000-04:00

I have had such a down day, i have no idea where or where this has all come from. I slept most of the day and was asleep when it was announced by my sister that dinner was ready. She made a breast of turkey with all of the usual turkey trimmings, including biscuits. I was not hungry so did not immediately join them for dinner. I laid in bed and began to feel guilty, after all, she'd gone to a lot of trouble to make the meal, so i hauled myself out of bed, out of my bedroom, my darkened little cave and joined them in the living room. We rarely eat at the dining room table, instead we eat on our laps in the living room. There was so much food, peas, potatoes, turnip, gravy, biscuits and the turkey with stuffing...i just took a slice of turkey with some cranberries. It was very yummy and i enjoyed it but i just didn't feel like anything else. I was thirsty though...and drank about 4 glasses of water, so thirsty.

After dinner, i worked on the dishes and watched Big Brother. With Zach winning HoH and putting up Jameka and Jessica, it promises to be a good week. I haven't had the feeds on for two days...i should put them on now and see what is happening.

Well i am off to read your blogs, not much to say tonight...so i'll see what you guys are up to today.

I'm very down today...trying not to be

2007-09-02T03:19:00.000-04:00

Grace, too

Goodbye from here...

So tired

Fear

My birthday...

Ouch!

Yay...it's snowing

News

One other thing...

Frustration

No news

... the wee hours

A busy few days

Tired

Another quick note

A quick note

Am i a brainiac...noooooo, not with this brain

A recipe

A new blog

What kind of drink am i ???

What Kind of Drink Are You?

Sleepless in Hamilton

Mmmm, i'm starving

Peace?

Happy New Year 2008

Static electricity

TBC

Dinner, dishes and stuff

Ch ch ch changes

The day after...

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Christmas eve morning

Shiver me timbers

Brrrr...it's 5am chilly

Wednesday late night

Which reindeer am i ?

So down...

Tis the season

Remember me?

Monday, Monday

RiP Sandra

Some lovely white roses...from Tim

Help

Mother et al

Awake

Saturday catch-up

Happy Thanksgiving To My American Friends!

Wednesday evening late

Tuesday early evening

A quick note

Tuesday mourning rains

My weekend

Day 3

Day 1

Angels and such

Monday's Appointment

What Season Am i ?

Testing

Alone

Early morning sentiments...

Thursday already?

My thoughts tonight

Chasing thanks - By Tim

Sunday, Sunday

Mother

Chasing Chase - By Tim

An introduction... Tim

Wednesday

My lucky day

My appointment

Nerves

Just rambling...

Thursday

More stuff

Mother

An update

Stuff

An award

Saturday evening

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y