A busy few days

The wee hours of the morning and i am still awake. Tim has just gone to bed after spending most of the wee hours together, playing some rummy online. We chat voice as we play and we enjoy the time together...except for my mothers intrusions. I am getting to the point where i really resent them.

She calls my name and repeatedly calls my name over and over again until i respond. Usually when i don't respond right away, it's because i am talking to Tim and i'm in the middle of something and i don't want to lose my train of thought (which, with this diseased brain of mine, is so easily done) so i try to wait until i am done saying what i'm saying. She doesn't seem to understand that and she becomes more agitated. I do try to answer straight away though but she doesn't always hear me...which is maddening...i really wish she'd go have her hearing checked and get a hearing aid, which she clearly needs but i cannot force her to go.

So it's been a rough week up till now. Ever since last weeks anxiety attack while i was out grocery shopping, she seems on edge and isn't afraid to take it out on me. She doesn't do this to my sister because my sister wouldn't take her crap. I need to take a page from her book but i am just not that way.

The dynamics between my mother and i are strained right now, to say the least. They always have been, all of my life...but they are getting worse and i am struggling to keep some patience when dealing with her. She is not an easy person to get along with. She is negative and overbearing and thinks the worst of everyone, especially me. I am at my wits end right now...i can't even properaly gather my thoughts on the subject....i feel so stressed out.

So the last few days have been rife with anxiety. My mother called a local community outreach program, crying and 'carrying on' about how she needed to talk to someone. The woman she found on the other end of the line was kind and listened (as did i...i'd been in bed trying to sleep) as my mother told her story. She said she was panicky and scared and didn't know what to do. She had an assortment of maladies that she read off to the woman, upset stomach, headache and numb head...and various other things. The woman, apparently, was trying to calm her down and gave her a number to call, someone else to talk to. Mother called them straight away. Apparently it was a crisis line...she told of her problems and they asked to speak to me. They suggested i take her to our family doctor asap. I told them i'd tried but she frequently cancels appointments and is often too weak and frail to get out of the house but i promised i would try. I put mother back on the phone and she spoke a while longer...until the woman convinced my mother to have a team sent out to talk to her the next day. The woman, very friendly and helpful, asked to speak to me again and informed me that she was sending out people to do a mental assessment of my mother. Oooh. I knew that wouldn't go over very well with mother but i had to tell her. I hung up the phone and told her. As expected she ranted and raved and cried and carried on. I said what harm would there be in having them come to talk to her. I got her calmed down and she finally saw the sense in at least talking to them. At that point i was desperate and was really hoping for some help...a ray of help at least.

The next day they came. A lady and a man. They were both very nice. I attended the meeting and the woman did most of the talking, each of them taking notes as mother spoke. They inquired as to what had my mother so upset. She tried to explain but she was all over the place. They tried to get her to focus on the questions but she did ramble on. Then she asked a bunch of what my mother deemed as 'stupid questions'. Where she was, what time it was...questions of that sort. I know they were asking them for a reason but she was just frustrated by them. She got through them but was quite rude with the woman (in my opinion)...later mother explained she didn't like her, saying she rubbed her the wrong way. From my point of view i felt it was all my mother, the woman was perfectly nice and was just asking t he questions she's been directed to ask for a proper assessment. In the end they suggested mother go to the emergency room that day and be seen. Mother refused, saying my sister Lane was coming the following day to take her. Keeping in mind it is not an emergency but just that she required attention, they accepted this. They also suggested they refer her to a geriatrician (hmmm, proper name, i'm not sure if thats it or if the spelling is correct) but mother also flatly refused that...so they said their hands were tired since she was refusing their help. Mother said 'fine' and all but threw them out.

After they left she was fit to be tied...but was 'holding on' until my sister Lane came on Tuesday to take her to the emerg. Tuesday never happened.

My sister Lane and her husband called. Lane is hard of hearing and has difficulty hearing on the phone...hence her husband calling. They called to say they couldn't come...they were waiting for a phone call regarding an impending appointment. Mother asked if they could come afterwards...they gave her the run around. In the end mother ended up upset and very agitated. In some ways mother was being unreasonable but on the other hand my sister was being selfish. She is never really available to help w ith mother, she leads her own life and doesn't bother with us yet she is mothers favourite. And so the phone call ended with mother hanging up on them. Ouch. It took me a while to calm her down after that. She felt very let down and upset. I couldn't blame her...the last time mother was in hospital she didnt even visit her. I didn't know what to say but got her calmed down.

Wednesday the lady from Catholic Family services came. I also attended this meeting and it went well. Mother inquired about nursing homes but didn't directly ask for a referral....she isn't quite ready for that (to my disappointment...am i horrible or what). The woman was helpful and is sending an occupational therapist to assess things here. One thing we need here is a commode chair so she will see about that. Also so she sending a social worker for mother to talk to. I hope mother will not change her mind. She has a habit of changing her mind regarding these things, feeling overwhelmed when lots of people start buzzing around trying to help. I hope this time will be different. Another thing this woman, a nurse, felt would be helpful for mother was for her to be put on an antidepressant. Mother takes one now but only sporadically. I take quite a few too and its my understanding that you must take them regularly for them to work...mother takes bits and pieces here and there, how can that help? The problem with mother is it is so hard to get her to go to appointments. She is often too sick/weak to go out but she also seems to have an aversion to leaving the house and i cannot force her. I make appointments and then end up having to cancel them because she changes her mind. Ugh.

Today i am feeling very overwhelmed.

On my front...my oncologists office has called. I need to see him asap but i've been unable to get in to see him. It is worrying me sick that he is so insistent that i come, so much so that they do not require me to make an appointment. I will go tomorrow morning, all things being well. I just hope mother doesn't cause a scene or have one of her anxiety or panic attacks, whichever it is. In general i have been okay...but just okay. My pain level has been out of this world but i keep it to myself, mostly. My family doesn't ask but Tim does....but i worry all i do is complain so i often just say i am okay. Mostly i am not though...i need to work on telling it like it is. It is hard to talk about my pain, my disease, my fears etc....but i need to, i know.

It's been ages since i read your blogs...i can't wait to read them to see what is going on in your worlds.