Goodbye from here...

It has been a sleepy few days, i can't seem to get enough sleep. I am done my antibiotics and see my doctor again tomorrow. I have a terrible headache right now...it's been with me most of the day.

Right now we are in the midst of another snow storm and i'm loving it. It has been going on for hours now, since my sister got home from work at 5pm....i'm not sure how much snow we are expecting, tons i hope.

My mother was in the emergency room on the weekend. Selfishly i'd hoped for a break and thought they'd keep her in a day or two but they sent her home the same day. She has a kidney infection so they started her on a course of antibiotics. She seems in better spirits so far, not as needy and panicky, i hope it lasts.

I've set up my new blog. I decided to change the address but keep the same name. The name has meaning to me as does the new address(which i just noticed i misspelled, grrrr...should have been determination) You can find the reincarnation of Grace, too there. I will post there just as soon as i've done posting this. I will be working on it over the new few days or so, getting all of your blogs added to my list. If i miss your blog, please let me know.

Looking forward to seeing you there....so this is my last post here, k.

So tired

Thank you for your words of wisdom regarding praying, i truly appreciate it.

I did not go to the emergency room...instead i was finally able to sleep. I think in a way i was afraid to go to sleep at first, afraid i'd not wake up. I just had an unsettled feeling about it. I get that feeling sometimes when what i really want is peace in my heart.

I slept all day, mother co-operated and it was almost 7pm before i got out of bed and made myself get dressed. The pain is still with me but it is less intense. The pharmacy is to deliver my medications today (but they haven't come as yet) and so i'll have more pain meds.

The bad thing about sleeping all that time was that i've not spent much time with Tim...i hope to make up for that tonight. Speaking of tonight, it's a busy viewing night. Survivor starts again...thank goodness. I hope it will be good with some familiar faces on this time but maybe not, i am not looking forward to 'Johnny Fairplay' or whatever his name is, i didn't like him the first time he was on and i doubt i'll like him this time around.

I am not cooking dinner tonight, instead we have ordered out. We're having fish and chips. Not exactly healthy but i'm all in favour of not having to cook tonight.

I think i am going to move my blog. I don't know exactly how to go about doing it but i hope if i do you'll all follow me...i will keep you informed...i just want to revamp my blog and of course the problem of my missing profile is gnawing away at me, since i have no idea where it went or why and i can't seem to get it back.

If i can i'll work on it tonight. Must go watch Survivor now. Enjoy your evening.

Fear

I am in a great deal of pain. I am scared to go to sleep yet i am so very tired.

I didn't go to my appointment yesterday. I was too tired, too weary, in so much pain and i didn't want to spend any of my birthday in a doctors waiting room.

Instead i spent time with my mother. She is not my birth mother but that is a whole other story...but this woman that i know as my mother is the only mother i've known. We spent the day together, me wishing i was with Tim and her whining and complaining about every little thing. I had no patience for it but i kept it to myself...i smiled to myself and told myself to let it go. I didn't need the negativity.

The wonderful part of today was that it snowed, a great big old snowstorm snow. God's gift to me, i know. I wish i'd been able to get out in it and enjoy it.

My sister brought home a cake. It was vanilla and it was so yummy. I had a nice big piece, it made me sleepy. I am diabetic, i shouldn't be eating such things...but it was my birthday and i wanted a treat.

So i sit here now, writing to you...missing Tim. We were meant to be together at this time but unfortunately our plans changed. We will see each other just as soon as possible. I am sad about it but it couldn't be helped.

Tim and i want to share a spiritual side of our relationship. Neither of us has much 'experience' and so i am wondering...how do you learn to pray. What do you say, what don't you say....what words do you use....do you just speak from the heart. I've heard people pray and it seems it is natural to them. I feel awkward, i think Tim does too...yet we try. If anyone has any advice, would you please email me, i would truly appreciate it.

I might go to the emergency room to be seen. My doctor suggested it since i didn't get in to see him and since my pain is worse right now....but i am scared. I always have to go alone and i am terrified of dying in the hospital, alone.

I am full of fear right now, God help me. God give me strength. God please watch over Tim.

I have to go to bed now. I will visit you all soon.

My birthday...

Happy birthday to me. On this day i am so grateful to be alive and to have survived another year. I am also so happy and very grateful that Tim has come into my life. We share a love i never thought was possible and when i think of a soul mate i am certain he is mine.

This afternoon flowers arrived. White roses, a dozen...so beautiful. Of course they were from Tim...he is so thoughtful and it impresses me that he remembers my love of white roses. With the flowers a bright, shiny balloon with 'Happy Birthday' on it. I will save it and the roses. Memories for years to come...the years i hope i have with him.

Thank you all for your birthday wishes, your kind words and well wishes mean a great deal to me. As always, thank you for visiting my humble blog, i know it's not much but it's mine and i enjoy the time i can spend writing here. I also enjoy your blogs so will be heading there shortly...i am so glad i found all of you..or you found me.

Ouch!

I had a rough weekend. I was in a great deal of pain, was very weak and spent most of the weekend in bed which meant not much time with Tim. I was lonely for him but it couldn't be helped. I am feeling better now but i have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow for a bit of a check up. They'll do some bloodwork while i am there, see how things are doing i expect.

Right now there is a piece of machinery outside my bedroom window removing snow. It is loud and hurting my head...and i wish they'd leave the snow alone...but i know, living in the downtown core that the snow must be removed...it's just hurting my head. I need to take some more pain medication but i don't want to sleep today away again.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I am happy i have lived another year, i hope to live another and another and another.

Yay...it's snowing

We are in the middle of a glorious snow storm. Not sure how much snow we are expecting but tons i hope. I want to get out and go for a walk but i can't convince my sister to come with me and it's really best i not go alone.

Sister is home early from work. They closed the office early due to the weather. Schools and other things have been canceled today too.

I have a terrible headache and i'm in quite a bit of pain today but i'm trying to not focus on that...trying to keep my mind on other things. I am waiting for Tim to wake up to play some online games with him, that is always enjoyable as we always talk voice when we play. We used to play on Pogo but we found another great site and we've been playing there. We play chess (he always wins)....rummy (he usually wins)....and we just started playing pool and he usually wins at that too. He is so good but i still enjoy playing with him.

Well its time to bathe mother so off i go...time for some more pain medication and maybe bathing her will take my mind off of things for a little while..at least until Tim gets up.

News

I should have written sooner but a lot has been happening here. Suffice it to say my mother is driving me insane. I will blog more about it later...for now there is a scheduled outage happening soon and so i feel pressed for time.

Monday i found out my tumour has grown and also that my white cell count is way high and so i am on antibiotics. Not good. I am supposed to avoid stress (here...how?) and get plenty of rest. So i will do my best while coping with my mother.

Yesterday a social worker was supposed to come to the house to talk to mother about going into a nursing home. She cancelled because the weather here was so bad. I hope she can come soon.

Off to read your blogs before the outage.

One other thing...

Oh...and i forgot to add why i am probably a bit grumpy today, besides the obvious...it is that time of the month. Oh joy! No really...oh joy! Honest, i am happy about it, trust me!

Frustration

So...i dragged myself out of bed today, i had laundry to do. It was waiting for me...i had to sort it and load it into the cart and wheel it downstairs...weeeeeeee. I really wasn't in the mood to do laundry, i was tired and feeling a bit grumpy (i found out later in the day why) and i just wanted my bed.

Sister was in the middle of her cleaning. I had a sink full of dishes waiting for me and then i needed to have a quick shower before heading downstairs. Brrr, i did not want to...but i did and felt better for it...then grabbed my cart full of five loads of laundry and headed out the door.

There are only four washers and four dryers here in our laundry room. Thankfully it wasn't being used so i had the room to myself. Once i got it all going i headed back upstairs. I am not one of those people who stays in the laundry room while the stuff is being laundered...i've never had anything stolen, there seem to be decent people in here (oh but the laundry room has been broken in to and money stolen from the machines though) but as far as i know, no clothing has ever been stolen.

While doing laundry, i met up with Tim and played some rummy. We didn't have much time together because i was up and down, switching loads into dryers, etc...but at least i got to be with him for a little while. I've really been missing him...i seem to sleep quite a lot and so the time we do spend together has lessened. I don't know what i'll do when he goes back to work and we can't work around my naps and constant need for sleep...but we will i'm sure.

Eventually i got the laundry done. It was almost 5pm i think...and i played with Tim for a w hile longer and then i was tired. I knew i had to go for groceries (it had already been decided) but when had not been. I thought i'd go for a nap, just a short one...45 mins to an hour and then head to the grocery store. I think i fell asleep quickly but the time passed all too quickly and i was awoken by the sound of voices...my mother and sister making a list for me. As they worked on the list i got myself changed and ready to go...i felt like a walking zombie, i was so tired but i had to go...the store would be closing at 8pm.

With list in hand, i called a taxi and headed out the door. I was really dragging myself...i did not want to go but i really had to. If i'd left it to Sunday morning there would be too much rushing around doing the shopping then getting things ready for dinner. We'd decided i'd make two roasting chickens for Sunday dinner...with turnip and sweet potatoes...mashed potatoes and gravy, with stuffing. Not homemade this time...this time i'll be using Stove Top.

I tried not to spend too much money, at mother's request (since she was paying) but it's hard when you are feeding four and we needed quite a bit, especially paper goods, which i usually buy at Walmart where it is much cheaper. I ended up spending close to $300. Not so bad but i had hoped to spend less.

Of course i forgot our cloth bags. I am so disappointed in myself, i never remember them. The cashiers keep suggesting to me that i leave them in my car but i have to remind them i no longer can drive (because of seizures) and so remembering is a chore (darn tumour!!!) that is tough for me.

Got all of the stuff bought and paid for..loaded into the cart and outside in the snow and cold to wait for the taxi i'd called. It was lovely and wintery out and i remembered just how much i love this time of year. I saw lots of couples in and out of the store, doing their shopping together and i dreamt of a day when Tim and i will be able to do that too...and then my taxi pulled up.

Thankfully i had a nice driver who offered to load the groceries into his trunk...i always appreciate that because it takes a lot out of me, lifting...but i still helped. I was thankful to get into the back...seated and warm...on my way home. I always sort of dread the part where i get home in the taxi and have to hope there is a cart in the garbage room, waiting and available for me to use to get all of the groceries up to our apartment. There has always been one (the building has three but sometimes people don't return them right away) so far but i have anxiety about 'what if'.

We pulled up to the building and i ran in to get the cart. Whew, it was there....i wheeled it outside and the driver loaded it up for me. I tipped him well...as i always do when they are so kind and helpful...and was on my way back upstairs in no time.

The elevator seemed to take forever to come...it's a slow one and when you're tired...that much slower. I arrived to the apartment door..dug my key out of my coat pocket and let myself in. There, laying on the sofa was my nephew Michael. I was really hoping he'd help me. The last few times he laid there and didn't help...i was hoping this time would be different.... i began to bring the bags in...one...two...three at a time, as much as i could carry. The door is a bit of a pain because it has a door closer on it for fire safety purposes...so it closes right behind you...grrr, as i said, a pain. I heard my sister, down the hall, curse at me because the door was driving her crazy but i couldn't help it, i only have two hands and i was in and out and in and out....$300 worth of groceries is a lot of groceries to lug in, one or two bags at a time. I was crying as i neared the end of it...i was just weary and upset with myself for not asking my nephew for help. How can he be so lazy, so rude...to just lay there. He is 35...a grown man, not some child...he should know better...but he doesn't. He doesn't help his mother with anything, he certainly doesn't help his 74 year old grandmother so he isn't about to help me. I know this...yet it still bothers me, does the man have no conscience. He doesn't do the garbage, i do...he doesn't clean, his mother or i do...he doesn't do dishes, myself or my sister do...he doesn't do laundry, i do it...i mean, he doesn't have to lift a finger....everything is done for him. What a life! Can you tell i was upset. I am just so tired of it..i really am. Tim and i have talks about this and he thinks i should talk to my sister and see about him starting to pull his own weight around here. I know i am tired of him bringing his dishes in for me to wash...or me doing his laundry...delivered right to him, folded etc. Grrrrr...but so far i haven't talked to my sister. I don't exactly know what to say or how to put it. I think she feels he is just a burden on her (that is a whole other story, believe me but not one for me to tell) but in truth, he is a burden on all of us here.

Something's got to give.